Disease as a Catalyst for Change

What Our Bodies Are Telling Us

2008-02-07T07:45:00.000-08:00

"Neurosis is ignorance and a misguided attempt to deny life's uncertainty and unpredictability. None of us knows what life will offer us one minute from now....."
--Dennis Gersten, M.D.

It has been three years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Three years since I felt happiness would never again be possible. I remember that day very well. I was in the den, when my husband Dennis came home from medical school. He began asking me about my day."How did it go? How was your appointment with the doctor?" he asked."I was at the doctor's for 45 minutes. She asked me a lot of questions. 'When did the numbness start? Is it just on your left leg? Is there any weakness? Any headaches?' She also seemed to be very interested that I had purpura and optic neuritis in the past." I responded.As I explained my office visit Dennis began taking his hospital smock off, placed his books on the table and walked over to the couch and sat down while looking through the mail--the daily routine.I continued describing my visit while Dennis listened half-heartedly."So what did she say it is?" he asked with a passing interest.I paused and lowered my voice. Calmly I said, "The doctor thinks there is a good possibility it could be multiple sclerosis."The words came out softly without conviction. I knew this statement would stun Dennis. Being in medical school he knew exactly what MS was and what a debilitating nerve disease this could be. "Common things are common." he would always say. But at that moment it hit him that when things happen to you, they don't feel so uncommon anymore.Dennis dropped the mail on the table and quickly looked at me with a nervous smile on his face. He was stunned, and amazed at the same time. It was almost as if the medical student was intrigued with the diagnosis, while the man who loved me, the husband, was shocked."MS. Just like that? No test, no nothing, she really thinks it's MS?" He asked in disbelief.His question hung in mid air. My mouth was dry. I was silent. At the same time I was looking through Dennis's medical references, trying to find some information on MS, hoping to find something that would contradict her diagnosis. After all, they were wrong five years before when they diagnosed me with leukemia and it turned out to be a severe case of mononucleosis. They had made a mistake before, I thought.At that time I was very ill. I had lost the ability to coagulate blood and began bleeding into my tissues. My platelet count had fallen to 6,000. I was covered with bruises and small dots of blood called petecheai. I had them everywhere -- even on my tongue. My options at the time were a splenectomy and high doses of intravenous steroids. I was hospitalized for fear that I would bleed into my brain. Despite the obvious predicament, I felt a sense of peace spreading throughout my body. I felt light and expansive and was aware of tranquil smile on my face. There was no trepidation, no concern. I felt perfect and whole in that moment, as if protected or bathed in love a radiance exuded from within me.The next morning the doctors awoke me and proceeded to tell me that I was getting better. A surprise to the doctors, my platelet count had gone from 6,000 to 75,000 overnight without any treatment. By their faces I could tell they were expecting an overtly elated reaction, but intuitively I must have known. My only reaction was a smile as I drifted back to sleep. Thankfully there was no need for any treatment. This experience was profound and continues to stay with me always. Angels were amongst me that day and I will always remember the feeling. Within a month's time I had recovered completely.Life is a God given privilege. I had thought that experience had been my wake up call. I felt that this had been my lesson on how not to take life for granted. But here I was again five years later behind a desk looking for information on multiple sclerosis. What could the lesson be this time? What am I to learn from this experience? Why me? Why now? As these thoughts raced through my mind, I turned my somber face toward Dennis and said softly, "She scheduled me for an MRI, but she is pretty sure that it is MS."As days passed the anxiety began to build. I had no appetite, no energy. I was obsessing over the diagnosis. There were times that I thought I would never be able to stop crying. "Why did this happen to me?" My voice trembled, as I gasped for air. It seemed the tears would never stop, as I felt them cascading down my face. "What have I done to deserve this?" I asked God. Maybe I needed to be a better wife, more dedicated to my husband. I thought. "I'll be a good wife and support my husband, without hesitation, even if he wants to be a surgeon. I don't care. If he wants to move away I'll do that too. I promise, I promise, I promise..........." The words seemed to linger in mid air. I repeated these words over and over until I collapsed on the bed in a fetal position, sobbing. "I'm so tired, so tired." I cried. I cried myself to sleep, from shear emotional exhaustion, asking God for forgiveness.I awoke from a peaceful sleep and from a dream world where MS didn't exist. As I became aware that the disease may very well be a part of my reality, I pleaded with God again. "Please God, I promise if these test results come back negative, I'll sacrifice my life for my husband. I'll support him in anything he wants to do." I felt this must be it. This must be the lesson this time. The pact was made; I hoped the MRI would not confirm MS. It was all a big mistake. After all it was just a little numbness. The same kind you feel when the dentist administers anesthesia. It's not a big deal. It was just another wake-up call, a warning to be more supportive to my husband.It was Tuesday morning, the day of the exam. The MRI was scheduled for noon. I had become more and more anxious: my teeth were clenched, my belly tight, and I made countless trips to the bathroom that morning. There was nothing left to get rid of. I thought as I sat on the toilet with my arms crossed over my abdomen.I felt comfortable in that small bathroom. It was only four by five, the size of a small closet with a shower, a few mirrors, and a sink. It was carpeted and had a small window above the toilet. There was a heat lamp above which turned the entire room red and warm. I found this warmth comforting, like the warm glow of a fire on a cold winter day. It reminded me of the walks I took by the river, as a child, and the orange and red hues of the sunsets reflecting off the water. It made me think of simpler innocent times. My tense body soon began to soften. I did not want to leave this safe haven. I wanted to hold onto this peaceful feeling. It was as if this room separated me from the real world. I felt as if the disease didn't exist in this room. I envisioned myself curling up on the bathroom rug, under the red light and sleeping for days, waking up to find that this was all a nightmare.The time came, I went to my appointment, it seemed as if my body was on autopilot. My mind was somewhere else. I was aware, yet my body felt numb, silent, almost unresponsive. As if I was separate from myself, watching myself exist. Maybe this is what people mean, when they say they are experiencing an out of body experience. By dissociating this way I was able to maintain some control. I feared feeling even the slightest bit of anxiety, afraid it would snowball into an anxiety that would never leave. I reasoned that anxiety would only drain me of much needed energy, energy I needed for minimal functioning -- walking, talking, and taking care of my baby. So I laid there for 45 minutes in that coffin like machine, numb to the moment. I noticed with a sense of detachment as they injected me with dye, but it didn't faze me. And then it was over, just like that. My future was now in there hands and I wanted to be home and safe.The day of the results came. I began trembling. Tears began to form in my eyes, but I managed to swallow them. As the time drew near I felt as if I could lose control, a feeling of quickly falling off a large cliff, while trying to grab anything in sight to stop from falling.I called Dennis immediately. "Please come home, I need you to be here when I get the call. I'm so scared, I can't stop from shaking. Please come home, please... I need you to hold me, stop me from shaking." I pleaded."I can't go home now. I need to finish writing up my patients. Besides I'll be home soon enough and we'll talk then. Be strong and remember if you have MS, you've had it for many years and labeling it isn't going to change or worsen your condition. The only difference is, you now know you have it." He said with confidence.His steadfast demeanor in stressful situations always calmed me. While these words were comforting, I longed to be held. I longed to feel his arms around me, reassuring me everything would be fine.I thought of calling my mom, but didn't want to worry her. I didn't have the energy to bury my own fear and insecurities in order to reassure my parents. I didn't have the energy to be stoic. No this was definitely not what I needed. I decided to call a friend. I hesitantly picked up the phone. As soon as I heard her voice I began to cry. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces had scattered to the floor. I explained what had happened and that I needed someone to be there with me when the call came. She assured me she would be there as soon as possible.An hour went by and I just sat on the living room couch, my legs tucked under my while both my arms were hugging a pillow close to my chest, as if by pressing hard enough, I would make the pain I felt in my heart go away or at least lessen it. I began rocking back and forth, back and forth, almost obsessively. By making my mind concentrate on this repetitive motion, I hoped to block out thoughts of the impending phone call. It was also an outlet for all the nervous energy I was holding on to. Suddenly, the doorbell rang loudly. It was an old doorbell and under normal circumstances would make a person jump, but under these circumstances I practically shook out of my skin. Startled, I jumped up and was relieved that my friend had arrived before the call. We embraced at the door. I held her tightly. I was so thankful to have my friend by my side. The trembling began to subside little by little. The tears would come and go, but she was there to comfort me; to reassure me that things would be okay. For that moment it was enough to know that I could lean on her.The phone rang, my heart sank and I began feeling flushed. My entire body became warm down to my fingertips; it was a warmth of apprehension, not tranquility.I picked up the receiver, "Hello Cris, its Dr. Anderson with your MRI results. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are conclusive for MS. The MRI shows that plaques have formed in your brain. These plaques are scars left over by inflammation caused by the disease process." I was silent; just listening word for word. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion."The next step is to refer you to a neurologist. Again I'm sorry and I wish you all the best." She said quietly.I remained silent. I was so still, as if I were trying to figure out what was happening, hoping that this was just a misunderstanding. I tried to integrate all I heard. It soon became clear to me, there was no mistake. This was real. It was official. There was no more turning back. No more hoping or wishing for a mistake. It was conclusive. This time I had a disease!When Dennis came home I was a mess, asking why repeatedly over and over. I was grasping at straws. I asked him if it were better to have cancer than MS. I asked him what I could expect. He was unsure of the prognosis and began searching through his medical books for answers."What does this mean? How will I be a year from now? Will I be able to function? I want more children, more babies. I want to be able to enjoy pregnancy again." Questions began flooding my mind. I didn't know much about MS. All I knew was that it could cause paralysis. I began seeing images in my mind of wheelchairs and of being bedridden. Then I remembered what Dennis had said. "Just because you are officially diagnosed or labeled with a disease, doesn't make you more ill than you were to begin with." That's true. I thought to myself. I've been living with this for a long time. But quickly my fears of the future returned. "There is something inside of my body that I can't control, an autoimmune disease, eating away at my nervous system, sabotaging health and happiness. I felt I was losing control over myself, my well being. The months ahead were filled with agonizing pain and feelings of isolation. Fears of uncertainty about my future would seep into what should have been pleasant memories--my son's first birthday and my husband's graduation.There were moments of acceptance and those filled with anger and despair. But as you will see, once I broke through the veil of depression, I realized that MS was responsible for turning my world upside down, eliminated the safe, stable life I once knew, and replaced it with endless possibilities. My intention now was to listen to its message. What could I learn on this new journey?

Disease as a Catalyst for Change

2008-02-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

Being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me. A personal transformation took place, changing my perception of the world and ultimately giving my life new meaning. I invite you into my world, as I share with you the significant stepping stones of this healing journey.

During my initial phase of grief, I was fortunate to have been surrounded by people who cared about my well being and who also struggled themselves with similar adversities. Listening to their stories, how they struggled and healed, gave me hope that the painful days of grief were temporary and that happiness would once again be a part of my life. There is a sense of isolation that one experiences when dealing with any crisis, especially a disease. These stories were essential in helping me realize that I was not alone.

Listening to music can be comforting because it connects with our innermost feelings; it touches our soul directly. Its vibration resonates with our own rhythm. Strangely, it is the melody and lyrics, that most resemble our present state of mind that we are drawn to. It is its familiarity, a universal acknowledgment of similar experience, whether it be pain, sadness or joy. We feel connected and understood. In the same way, listening to the experience of others made me realize I wasn.t alone. They understood first hand what I was going through. This support system of caring individuals, some who I had never met, gave me hope that I was merely at the beginning of my own healing process.

Multiple Sclerosis has forced me to reevaluate many things in life: my relationships, my career, my future goals, my spiritual life and our medical system. The world as I knew it had crumbled around me, I felt unsafe and insecure. Through the grieving process I began to see that what I had was more than a disease, it was an opportunity, a moment of true clarity. All superfluous mundane concerns were stripped away and so with a fresh optimistic perspective, I chose to accept MS as a precious gift. The idea that life was a gift was now my experience, no longer being a cognitive thought to contemplate but rather a palpable understanding.

People often speak of having lost their innocence after they have been confronted with a crisis; to the contrary -- I found mine. I learned to surrender to a higher power and relinquish control, giving way to a sense of peace and tranquility. Life was now fresh and crisp, a wonderfully raw experience. Suddenly skies were bluer and clouds mesmerizing; I felt the tenderness in the sweet cooing of a pair of doves. The sound of rustling leaves was almost lyrical, as if the trees could speak. There was crispness in the air and yet warmth enveloped me. Not since childhood had I felt so alive and free.

Multiple Sclerosis has been my challenge and part of my spiritual journey, a journey that continues to remind me to release my fears and to view obstacles as a chain of sacred moments of opportunity leading to growth. Maintaining a state of mind that facilitates a deep spiritual connection is difficult at times, a state in which we are open and connected to the world, feeling a part of everything that surrounds us. When these moments do happen, they are the simplest and most natural way to be and once again I am aware of the spiritual nature of our existence and the world we live in. This sacredness is who we are and exists in all of nature -- the spiritual essence of humanity. Through meditation, prayer and research, it became clear that mind, body and spirit were not ephemeral or poetic in nature, but were intertwined and interconnected; the sum of which was much greater than its parts. My idea and understanding of a reductionist.s approach to medicine would also shatter and a search for a new holistic approach ensued.

Strangely, my disease, or should I say the process of understanding its effect on my life, heightened my senses. As a result, my world is more vivid and experiences have become more precious than ever before. Please understand that this revelation, my new perspective and attitude towards life did not come overnight, but after dealing with much pain and depression. Those painful times were the catalyst and the beginning of a transformation. They are as important to my healing process as all the peaceful moments that were to come. Virginia Satir once said, .Life is not the way it.s supposed to be. It.s the way it is. How you cope with it is what makes the difference.. It is my sincere desire that the following pages be familiar lyrics whose music resonates to the beating of your heart. May my story be a catalyst for your own healing process, and an affirmation of the path you have already embarked upon.

Conquering Fears

2008-02-06T07:51:00.000-08:00

"It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic. Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?"
--Scott Peck, MD

Most of us, struggle with fear, whether we have a disease or not. Overcoming our fears is a challenge we all have in common and can experience in our everyday lives. Fear can be a healthy deterrent to possible danger, but it can and often does prevent us from living out our dreams today. We waste energy worrying about what dangers tomorrow may bring.Knowing the unpredictable nature of this disease, I had a choice to live in fear and unhappiness, or to release the fear and take a leap of faith, every day hoping for a smile and yet one more day of sunshine. I didn't want to take one more day for granted. Living in the moment, as presently as possible became very important to me. This not only helped to ground me in the present, but also helped me to tune into my true self. I began to ask myself what my desires were. Am I fulfilled? Why or why not? What am I truly afraid of?There are many lessons to be learned during our lifetime. But putting our fears into perspective is one we can learn together with compassion, patience, determination and love. Our ability to conquer any obstacle is not only dependent upon wisdom and an awareness of the problem, but also love. Wisdom is the union of knowledge and intuition. Love is unconditional and compassionate. It was love and wisdom that I needed to foster in myself.We fear the unpredictable nature of painful situations, such as disease. Learning from our past experiences is important; they often serve us in a healthy way to be cautious about future decisions. But there is an enormous difference between learning from the past while moving on with our lives, and dwelling in the past as if we are reliving it every day. The former, with forgiveness and compassion empowers us; the latter keeps us frozen in time. This not only sabotages our chances of living happily in the present moment, but it also prevents us from freely dreaming about our future. At best we settle for familiarity, at worst we become paralyzed emotionally, unable to authentically enjoy life.My lesson and challenge was to find happiness in the present despite uncertain and unsettling circumstances. Without living fully present, a joyful and fulfilling future will not easily manifest. Think about it. What is the future really; more present moments. So if we keep waiting for tomorrow to bring us happiness, we may never get to experience it first hand. Reality is now. One thing that I have learned and will never take for granted again is that no one, not even the healthiest person alive, ever knows what tomorrow will bring. The courage to deal with this unpredictability comes from a relationship with a higher power and an awareness of my own divinity and thus the capacity to overcome.Someone close to me once reminded me, "You may be diagnosed today with a disease, but someone healthy may die tomorrow in an accident".That is life, and as she also reminded me, "Life isn't fair.", a sobering, ultimately liberating realization.For the first time, I truly heard those words as a fact. Her statement was blunt and to the point. The good girl behavior doesn't ensure an easy life. It never had. Who ever made me think that life was supposed to be fair? All I had to do was look around. The truth is bad things happen to good people all the time. I was no different. I had to confront the reality that difficult times may lay ahead. It takes courage and conviction to continue on without a road map, without guarantees. It is up to each one of us to nurture that courage and develop the wisdom within ourselves so that we can enjoy both the highs and continue to grow in spite of the lows. At the beginning of my healing process, this was hard to accept.My fears and anxieties were brought to the surface when I learned how potentially devastating and unpredictable MS can be. If the lesson to be learned was to conquer the fear of the unknown, a disease like MS is certainly a challenging one to do it with. It can attack any area of the central nervous system at anytime, without notice, and symptoms may linger for a time, forever, or simply disappear. Did I have fears? That's an understatement. As long as I was awake questions loomed in my mind and consumed me at times.What is MS? What are the symptoms? How is it diagnosed? How will it affect me? How is it treated? What will happen to me? Will I be in a wheelchair? Can I still have children? Will I lose my ability to walk, talk, or see? Will I ever be happy again? People will pity me. No one will find me attractive anymore.I began feeling less of a woman, afraid of becoming a burden to others. I thought I would never be the same. I was right. I would never be the same again. Little did I know a sense of peace and wholeness was to come my way, and my perspective of the world and myself would change drastically for the better.Ironically, a disease that could have limited my perspectives on life, instead opened doors to a new loving and fulfilling reality. I have been blessed with loving and deeply spiritual relationships and a sense of self that seems to grow deeper every day. Some people have come to stay and others have left their foot prints on my heart. Rumi wrote, "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." Looking back, some of my most important lessons were learned through hardship. But through those difficult times I had support from dear friends and unending love from my family. With every person who crosses my path, I now see an opportunity to grow, as I am offered yet another perspective on life.I try to relate to people with reverence. The more I discover about myself, the better I understand other people and vice versa. It is not the quality of the relationship so much as the dynamics of it that give us the opportunity to keep growing. As I mature I have found that life is less and less black and white. It is instead a wondrous existence with a vibrancy of colors that will take a lifetime to understand; a rich and complex experience that's forever unfolding in front of our very eyes. It's up to us to consciously be open to receiving what and who is before us."A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become and still gently invites you to grow." A quote I once read on a bathroom wall. My invitations to grow haven't always been so gentle, but I cherish them none-the-less. While my friends support and encourage me, my family inspires me.There is never a dull moment in my life. I have a mother and an aunt who aside from being my right arm in helping me clean my home, are a source of laughter in my life. I will forever cherish their crazy stories of hometown characters back in Portugal. My husband Dennis is my rock, my safe haven and an endless comedic presence. He gives me plenty of ammunition to laugh with without even trying. I have found that it is possible to laugh through the tears. They are both a cleansing and cathartic experience. My son Matthew and my nieces Sidney and Ashley are reminders of the innocence of childhood. They are my role models for living in the moment. My sister is quietly a consistent source of support and strength. And of course my father, who has also shown me first hand what it is like to struggle in life and continues to press ahead, in spite of the pain. This is my family, resilient passionate people. They have all played a part in shaping the person that I am today in meaningful ways. That is why I value every new encounter that comes into my life. It is another chance to learn from someone else.What a deeply fulfilling experience it is to meet someone for the first time and feel at that moment that you have known them for a lifetime. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The experience of instantly feeling a bond, the very moment of being at one with another's soul is surreal and perfect. Time seems to stop, yet simultaneously there is a sense that you've been together for a millennium. I have had moments such as these and treasure each of them for their life affirming power.This feeling reminds me of a lazy hot summer day. The grass is dry, the air is arid and you find yourself parched. Suddenly someone approaches and offers you an ice cold glass of lemonade. A gentle breeze blows by. Your eyes widen, your heart races, you feel joy running through you as you swallow the cool refreshing fluid. It's perfect and your every desire seems satiated in that moment. I can't imagine life without these moments, these glimpses of heaven.

Understanding Multiple Sclerosis and its Effects on Self-Esteem

2008-01-18T07:54:00.000-08:00

"Healing can take many forms. Medical paradigms are merely a set of tools used to facilitate the healing process. Actual healing takes place from within."
--Cristina Berard

Before we go on I'd like to explain what Multiple Sclerosis is for those of you not familiar with this disease. There are several theories on what MS is and how it manifests. In my search for answers, I investigated western medicine and its theories, as well as understanding the disease from an eastern philosophy. For now let's focus on the Western medical perspective, as seen through the lens of the traditional scientific community. It is a disease that affects the central nervous system. It is considered to be an autoimmune disease, meaning the body's own immune system attacks itself. In this case it selectively attacks the coating around the neurons in the brain and spinal cord. This coating is called the myelin sheath. It's analogous to the rubber covering that surrounds electrical wiring. There is no cure at this time, although some progress has been made in treatments.A person's symptoms can be mild their entire life or can progressively worsen. Although there are extreme cases, most individuals fall some where in the middle of the continuum. A symptom such as transient numbness could fall at the mild end of the continuum, while paralysis, although rare could fall at the other extreme. The only thing that is truly known about this disease with certainty is that it is unpredictable. It affects each individual differently at any given point in time.Optic neuritis was my first MS symptom. Basically, it is inflammation of the optic nerve, which can cause temporary or permanent vision loss. It has affected the vision in my left eye to a certain extent. I have had two episodes that I'm aware of over the years. Each time my field of vision in that eye is diminished substantially--similar to what happens in tunnel vision, while most peripheral vision is obscured. Both times I regained my sight to almost full capacity within a few months' time. I have also experienced loss of motor function in my right arm and hand. I would say I lost 80-90% of function in that arm for about a month or so. Gradually my ability returned. In the meantime I could not continue working, since it became impossible to write prescriptions. One of the pharmacist's routine responsibilities is to take oral prescriptions from physicians over the phone. I had to take time off until my motor function returned. Luckily it did. A few months later I returned to work and my penmanship slowly returned to normal.There have been other symptoms that have come and gone over the past 15 years. They have mostly been sensory in nature. In a course of 15 years I have had merely a few such symptoms. I remember in particular one winter when I felt as if I were walking on cold, coarse sand at the beach. No matter how much I tried to warm my feet (and they were warm) the cold raw sensation remained. This might have been a great experience had the timing been right. I would have enjoyed feeling cold, wet sand between my toes in the summer. Another symptom I struggle with from time to time is fatigue. This is one of the few symptoms that most patients have in common. This fatigue can strike at any moment and may last as little as an hour or remain for days. It is similar to the flu like fatigue that comes without warning and disappears in similar fashion. It's as if there isn't enough oxygen in the air around me. At these moments, it feels as though God turned up the gravity pull.Fatigue is frustrating because it is invisible to everyone but you. Usually you look fine to those around you and only those closest to you can tell that something is wrong. But You Look So Well, is the title of a book written many years ago about MS. The title is ironically quite true and appropriate. It can be a lonely disease to live with at times since no one else can see it. Many of the symptoms are invisible to people around you. Numbness, fatigue, memory, and vision problems for example are only experienced by the individual and don't usually directly affect those around them. Unless you say something, others may never know. This can be beneficial at times, but frustrating when you wish others could understand what you're going through.Imagine your best friend's wedding day arrives and you come down with the flu and can't attend. You feel angry, disappointed, but ultimately so tired and worn out that all you can think about is lying in bed and sleeping for days. We can all relate to moments like these. With MS this kind of experience happens more often, except there is no reason, no flu, no vomiting, nothing tangible, just a profound fatigue. This brings on feelings of guilt in the person experiencing the fatigue and in some cases frustration from friends, family and co-workers, who can't relate.I have always prided myself on being dependable. Fortunately, knowing this fatigue can strike at any time, I've been able to adjust my work schedule to part time. By cutting back my hours, I have time to rest in between work days and also have more energy for responsibilities at home. It's a balancing act. It was important for me to know that by working fewer hours and shorter days, I could continue being dependable to my family and my coworkers.Guilt however still makes an appearance at times. As a result I push myself to make it to events, social and professional. At these moments, I feel as if my body is present, but there is a part of me that is completely dissociated from the experience. It's as if I am in a dream, floating above myself and observing everything and everyone from a distance. I must appear to others as dazed, aloof and detached. The two merge once again when I return home to the comfort of my bed and am finally able to rest. Most of the time I get a good night's sleep and wake up refreshed. However, when I keep pushing myself routinely, when I'm not listening to the cues my body is giving me, the fatigue worsens and lasts for longer periods of time. I have to admit; to this day I still cringe when setting up a scheduled date or engagement of any sort, particularly in the evenings. Although I have incorporated many healthy routines and elements into my life, fatigue at times can still be a factor. Once again the lesson is to enjoy the present moment. When I'm feeling energetic, I try to take advantage of it. I certainly enjoy spontaneity and appreciate it much more now than ever before.Rearranging my life became imperative. My expectations had to change. More accurately, I began to realize that these expectations were only a reflection of what I thought was expected of me. I became aware that I was allowing outside forces to shape my life. But to understand this I had to first acknowledge that I had an underlying need for approval. Can you imagine? I needed to receive approval for being me. I began understanding that wanting to please, and needing to please come from completely different states of mind. Wanting comes from a strong sense of Self. This empowered self, our true nature knows who we really are. Needing to please comes from a state of emptiness. In this state, our identity is created by what we do, and how we see ourselves, through someone else's perception of us. It is a self, created by objects, people, and situations outside of us. It's that little girl or boy inside of us who is constantly looking for approval.For many years I existed for what I was to other people, not for who I am. I can now be of service to others, through my own choice and sincere desires. It might sound like this type of attitude would only create more self-centered people. In reality I am a kinder and more considerate person now than ever before. Because when I give, I give from the heart and not just from a subjective sense of obligation. I have learned that by nurturing myself, I have more compassion for others without resentment. MS forced me to see that I couldn't physically give more of myself than my disease would allow. I had to learn to schedule time to relax and pace myself. I also had to learn to feel comfortable asking for and accepting help. This was and continues to be challenging to this day. Listening to my body became essential for living in a healthy manner. For the first time I saw and appreciated the sacredness of this vehicle we call our body. In order to do this I began asking; What felt good for me? What was comfortable? What was more important? What was it that I truly wanted to focus my attention on? The questions didn't stop. I also had to ask myself who in my life was healthy for me and who wasn't? I tried to surround myself with positive loving people and avoided negativity as much as possible.In the process of figuring these things out, I began organizing my life. The junk drawers that we all have had to be cleaned out, both metaphorically and literally. I had to become more efficient in my practical life. Only the essentials remained, only what was ultimately fulfilling for me. Simplifying your life doesn't necessarily mean leaving everything and moving to the woods, it means looking at what you've been, be still, and understanding who you are. You may think this is a selfish attitude to have, as did I for a long time. It is not.My life, my truth, this is who I am. These are my best qualities, coming from a clear place of power, wisdom and love. When you come from a healthy self-nurturing place, the qualities you have to offer embody power, wisdom, love and compassion. Other people sense it. Your very essence exudes compassion. I began noticing that more and more people were drawn to me and enjoyed being in my presence. The feeling was mutual, I was now in a place that I could sense and appreciate the divinity in others. It was easier to see beneath the exterior ego shell that we all carry around.Most of us define ourselves by circumstances and relationships in our lives. We exist because of how others need us and how we need them. Unless we stop existing as a quality in someone else's life, we merely exist for what we have to offer to another, in our own life. There are many people in these codependent relationships. Often the relationship dissolves when the needs of the individuals change. Our qualities can easily be replaced by another individual, but no one can replace our unique self.I recommend asking your self; What am I? Make a list of needs that you think you meet in others and another list of how others meet your needs. Then ask yourself; Who am I? How long is your list? For example, do you like red because it's your significant other's favorite color? Or does it truly please you? Pay very close attention to your answer. Does it please you because it pleases him/her? If this is true then it is not an answer to your who are you question, but rather it answers what you offer to another question instead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it's unhealthy to fulfill your needs or someone else's, but if all or most of your answers to these questions, refer to your relationships with others, then it's worth taking a closer look. Does this confuse you? It confused me for a while and it is still something that I occasionally catch myself doing. Remember, be kind to yourself. This is a process. The most we can expect of ourselves is that we try to improve as time goes on. Eventually we realize that there is a huge difference between existing through our service for others and being of service to others. By being of service we are content regardless of our actions. We already are valuable, authentic and worthy of love. Now by finding that center, we begin to feel the presence of our essence. We're not creating it. We are merely regaining our awareness of our inner authentic spiritual Self.. The veil parts and we begin to see the divinity within us and how truly unique we all are. Once you are able to know this in your heart, then you will be sharing with others your authentic, loving self. I have presented you with a few comparisons so far in the way we think about ourselves and others. It may seem at first to be a mere play on words, but it's not. I believe that we agonize sometimes over things that have been misinterpreted by our brains. We only use a small fraction of the brain's enormous capacity. When we express ourselves mainly verbally or linguistically, there is a limitation that we must consider.Good communication and understanding can be compromised because of verbal limitations. This communication includes the dialogue we have with ourselves. I don't mean that the more educated you are the easier it becomes. Basically, I mean that language itself is limited. An optimistic person for example has a positive inner dialogue with himself. We can only express so much through the written or spoken word and that includes speaking to ourselves. For example, have you ever had moments when you feel frustrated or angry and aren't sure why exactly? You can't quite put your finger on it. But one day you are speaking with a friend and he articulates what you're describing in his own words. He truly captures what you're experiencing. Suddenly you feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, "Oh my God, that's it, that's exactly it!" You respond with elated relief. Although you had a sense that something was bothering you, you were entangled in an emotional web, too close to the trees to see the forest. Having it articulated clearly helps you to identify it, understand it, and plan to resolve it. This is partly the role a good therapist plays in helping someone to heal. In my own healing I have had moments like these -- aha moments. Another veil parts and my world seems even brighter and lighter than before.Take for example the often used term, self-centered. According to Webster's dictionary it means the following: independent of outside force or influence; concerned solely with one's own desires, needs or interests. In my opinion this state of being is not desirable or joyful. In fact it sounds extremely isolating. The definition implies that outside forces are never an influence. I would imagine this would have to include loving, nurturing relationships. Secondly, the individual is concerned solely with themselves.Let's look at the words a little differently. By doing this maybe we will be able to lift that guilt we carry about understanding and nurturing ourselves. What if we switch the words like this, centered-self? I don't think it formally exists in any dictionary, but maybe it should. This is how I would define it: a divine human being who is centered within the universe and authentically comes from a place of power, wisdom and love. In order to be a centered-self, we must be aware of our divinity. And by doing so, knowing who we truly are--a part of the universe and not apart from it. With enough self awareness and willingness to continue to grow, by integrating intellect, intuition, and love, so that we may in turn give authentically to others. Does this sound selfish? Or does it sound like someone you would like to meet? You see, same words, different meanings. One is healthy and inclusive. The other is isolating and exclusive. Words are powerful tools used to communicate with other individuals but most importantly ourselves. I've learned that it begins with me, my mind, my soul, my body.

Finding Meaning

2008-01-17T07:59:00.000-08:00

"Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross."
--Victor Frankl, MD

Dr. Frankl, was a psychiatrist who was captured by the Nazi's and spent years in Auschwitz. In addition to bearing our cross he reminds us that the cross or the suffering itself must be unavoidable. Martyrdom is not the goal but we must find meaning in unavoidable suffering. Dr. Frankl encourages us to live and to fight for happiness and joy. He tells us to search for answers to our problems, to try our hardest to minimize our suffering. Suffering according to Dr. Frankl is a part of life, one which can never be completely eliminated.His philosophy mirrors my own belief system. This perspective on life gives me hope that there is meaning in unavoidable suffering. Depression for example, is a state of mind, that if severe enough can lead someone to commit suicide. But only a few of those who are depressed actually commit suicide. What sets them apart from all the rest? You may believe that it is the intensity of the depression. It is not. Studies have been done that refute what would seem to be a logical conclusion.Depression is avoidable, especially in recent years with so many choices in medication and psychotherapy, as well as alternative medicine. Depression can be alleviated if not eliminated. This is not to say that sadness, as a reaction to an event needs to be eliminated or suppressed. Sadness and or situational depression are a natural part of the grieving process, but chronic depression is not.Research suggests that there may be a hereditary link to depression. This may be true, but I wonder how much more of an impact environmental factors have on increasing the chances that depression will actually develop. An individual may be genetically predisposed, but this does not guarantee that depression will develop in the course of someone's lifetime. Although we may be genetically predisposed to behaviors or diseases, the fact that we exhibit these behaviors is only part nature. Nurture also plays a large role in the type of person we become or a disease that we develop. By nurture I am referring to a larger umbrella that encompasses society as a whole and the physical environment we live in and ultimately our own responsibility for our actions. There are millions of Americans with depression. Some of them prominent people who have had the courage to bring depression into the light, people like Betty Ford, Barbara Bush, and Mike Wallace to name a few. Their courage has helped people realize that depression is not a weakness in character. It is not something to be ashamed of and deny. Depression can be treated with professional help and loving support from family and friends. Our basic understanding of mental health and especially depression needs to improve and become more compassionate. I have personally felt depressed at certain times in my life. Today I monitor my emotions and try to distinguish normal sadness that is a result of difficult circumstances, from sadness that seems to have no reason, or is disproportionate to the underlying cause. When depression sets in, happiness seems impossible to experience and imagine. Even food loses its taste. Nothing seems to captivate your attention. You feel hollow and empty. I don't want my child or my family to be exposed to this kind of experience. It is important that my child be exposed to a variety of emotions, but I don't want him to be surrounded by gloom. In my opinion, depression is not an emotional state, as much as it is a lack of emotion. For me it almost seems to be a defense mechanism. A sensory overload almost, with regards to emotions, especially anger and pain. I noticed what I was really doing was shutting myself down, becoming apathetic, in order to prevent feeling anymore pain and frustration. For me depression is a state of mind and becomes a way of being if left untreated. This suppression of emotion eventually leads to depression and depression as you will later see can express itself in many ways when not dealt with. Sadness on the other hand is a feeling, a reaction to a circumstance. It has a reason and resolves itself in time.There is a process of healing that one experiences, as is explained in some of the models of grief. For example, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There are other models, but this is one of the most common that therapists refer to. Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was a frightening experience for me. However, what is crucial is how I react in the face of tragedy. It is imperative that I grieve as efficiently as possible. Not as quickly as possible but efficiently as possible, because there is a fine line between sadness and depression and I don't want to waste my life in a state of mind that brings no healing and no happiness. Depression, for me was the most difficult of all of these steps to get through.There are tools I have found over the years that have helped me avoid depression or at least lesson its severity. Exercise, eating healthy and sleeping well are habits I try to incorporate into my life. Surrounding myself with good friends and a positive atmosphere is also something I try hard to maintain. Good communication is key since issues that are suppressed will fester and eventually express themselves physically or emotionally in a negative way. Spirituality is also an integral part of who I am and gives me meaning and purpose in my life. I believe that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. That we are all connected spiritually on some level. I believe in a higher power--a universal loving presence. This feeling of connection to divinity sustains and encourages me.I have been able to find meaning in my suffering. I see it as my cross that I have to bear, but only when it is unavoidable. I have no interest in being a martyr. I am interested in being happy and bringing that happiness to others. My goal is to seek joy in my life, live as authentically as possible, embrace all of my emotions, without allowing myself to sink into what feels to me to be a needless and useless depression.When I have tried exercise and meditation and other holistic interventions that I feel are credible, and am still depressed, then I turn to psychotherapy and if needed, medication, to help me get over the depression. Life is too short and too valuable to be living it behind a veil of gloom. With the help of an excellent therapist and the occasional use of antidepressants, I was able to see that joy is possible and very real. When one has been depressed for long periods of time, there's a tendency to forget what joy feels like, let alone that it is possible. Hope, faith, support and a sense of meaning and purpose, despite the hardships; perhaps this is the antidote to severe depression and may be what sets those who choose life, apart from those who have given up. These individuals were unable to see meaning in their life, and therefore lack a sense of purpose. At a certain point in our path to spiritual enlightenment, we realize that it is enough to be. But for many of us, these are difficult concepts to integrate into our daily lives. Although our spirit is our true nature, the ego is a part of our humanity. Having the ego self to contend with, finding meaning is a necessary part of a fulfilling life.

Surrendering

2008-01-16T08:01:00.000-08:00

"We are spiritual beings having a human experience, rather than human beings seeking a spiritual experience."
--Teilhard de Chardin

I believe our purpose in this world, above all else, is to heal ourselves and to love one another. At times we'll be in a position to offer support to others and at times to receive it. In all aspects of life, balance is the key. By allowing people to help me, I gave myself an opportunity to heal, as well as affording them the opportunity to give. Relationships grow deeper with this loving exchange. Letting go of pride, and allowing love to enter our hearts, we learn to receive graciously. When you experience receiving openly, your generosity will also come from a place of love versus a place of egoic satisfaction. It becomes a loving exchange instead of an obligation to one another, with no room for resentment.There is a level of discomfort that many experience when asking for help. Will I look weak? Am I weak? Will others see me as dependent? These questions came up for me often. It's unfortunate that in our culture we feel guilty and inadequate when asking for or accepting assistance. Our society in this country especially, values independence more so than other attributes.Beginning in 1776 when we declared independence from England and have proudly valued this quality in our lives ever since. More recently, the feminist movement of the sixties and seventies made it possible for women to take pride in proving to the world that we could be self-sufficient and strong. Our self-esteem as women has grown and deepened because of it. Women of today are indebted to those brave and committed women that have given us independence and freedom.Although there are areas where women are still not seen as equals by some, we have come a long way. In fact, I venture to say that we have taken on more burden and responsibilities than is healthy or necessary. Before the sexual revolution, women as we know, were housewives. They didn't have a choice to do anything else. Now many women hold competitive full time jobs, are married, have several children, etc. etc. It seems the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. It is now time for the pendulum to come to center. In our struggle to prove that we are are capable of being financially independent, we have overburdened ourselves with exhausting reponsibilities. Let us remember, balance is the key. Men are not exempt from this prideful independence. They have had many more years of practice, letting pride get in the way of relationships and growth, intimate or otherwise. It's now time for us to come together and heal these relationships together.The Buddhist's philosophy is a gentle one, but even Buddhism offers us a parable that speaks of how difficult change can be. When a tree is growing crooked, one must bend it in the extreme opposite direction for a time before it is allowed to come back to center. Our tree has felt both extremes and is now able to grow straight. So the lessons that we learn as individuals or as a society are often at extremes, but the goal should always be to bring ourselves back to center. As women we had to prove our capabilities so that we could establish our own power and respect. Now that we have succefully proven that we can do it all--- we can choose not to. Men and women have opened the door to healthier possibilities for loving and caring relationships, by being there for one another, as equals. It is a more pleasureable experience to be able to share our lives with one anther than it is to isolate ourselves. We are independent and choose to share in love and responsibility from a place of wisdom and power, not dependency. Many of us fear dependency. When I feared that I may become dependent due to MS, I was very fortunate to have a therapist who taught me the difference between dependency and help. We all need help from time to time. In my professional studies however, I have met a few colleagues who believe that all patients benefit in some way from their illness. It is their belief that some patients with chronic diseases choose to become dependent and go on to develop co-dependent relationships. In my view, this co-dependency has less to do with the disease than it does with the personality of the individual in question. My own therapist was a cognitive/behaviorist who helped me to identify unfounded and unrealistic fears that I had. By bringing these issues to my awareness, I was able to transcend the vice grip that fear had on me. However she also helped me to understand that all of us, regardless of our circumstances benefit from the support of other people. The relationships become interdependent, a healthy give and take.There will always be individuals who take advantage of any circumstance. In that case, benefiting from a situation isn't a result of having an illness, it is a pattern that exists for that particular individual for whatever reason. In my personal and professional experience, losing one's self-esteem and fear of losing one's independence is a more salient issue.Ultimately I surrendered to God my guilt and lack of compassion for myself. When I sincerely evaluated my situation and realized that receiving help from others would be beneficial and acceptable, I became kinder to myself. Since those difficult times, I have had many opportunities to help others in return. It's part of the ebb and flow of life.

Healing Comes From Within

2008-01-15T08:03:00.000-08:00

"The physician is only nature's assistant"
--Galen

How ironic, as important as it is to allow others into our lives for support, it is as important to realize that ultimately true healing comes from within. In this pharmaceutical environment we find that there are many treatments for diseases. We are fortunate that technology has made eradicating some diseases possible. The other side of the coin however, is the fact that health care professionals get so caught up in curing or treating the disease that they often forget about quality of life. As a pharmacist I see this on a daily basis. Certainly the choices are not strictly in the practitioner's hands. The patient also needs to take charge of the healing process, but the truth is that many people will not question the authority of the practitioner and often trust them implicitly with their life.Yes, we are living longer these days, but are we necessarily living better? Is our quality of life also improving? In most cases the answer is yes. In many cases the answer is no. How do we as practitioners know if we are indeed improving the patient's life or just prolonging it? Is treating the disease to prolong their life, only handing them a life filled with side effects brought on by medication that is treating their disease? Iatrogenic drug effects are to blame for thousands of hospitalizations and even death. The pros and cons of all treatment should be discussed with the patient and ultimately the decision should be theirs. I have had to make these difficult decisions myself, having to decide to stop using a drug, after being on it for six months. It offered me a thirty percent chance of a better future while making me feel like I had the flu for 3 days out of every week. I couldn't accept sabotaging the present without any future guarantees. On the other hand I also know of MS patients who are doing much better and experience no side effects on the very same drug. It's an individual decision.Medical treatments are wonderful if they improve quality of life as well as longevity. It just didn't make sense to me to sacrifice today in order to protect tomorrow, none of us know what tomorrow brings. There was a time when I envied people who had their health. But the reality is that no one is guaranteed a long healthy future. I could walk out in the middle of the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. You would think this kind of thinking would increase my anxiety about the future? It doesn't, instead it reinforces the importance of not dwelling on the future for all we really ever have is now, this moment. This very fact affects all our decisions including medical ones. Dr. Alan Barach reminds his colleagues to "cure the patient as well as the disease." My advice to you is to understand that physicians are medical experts and the good ones are supportive, open-minded and help the patient make informative, individual decisions.In my search for health, it was essential for me to keep an open mind, without of course losing it all together. In other words healthy skepticism is a good thing, but I allowed myself room for new thought and possibility. Having a disease with few therapeutic options, lends itself to having an open mind.

Physician Heal Thyself

2008-01-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

It was time for a yearly physical. I walked into the waiting room of my internist's office and checked in at the window. The receptionist politely asked me to have a seat. Anxious to get this over with, I turned and scanned the room for a seat. If it were an office with windows, I would normally opt for a seat with a view, but this one has four walls and my only interest is to make eye contact with the nurse that calls my name. It's not that I abhor going to see the doctor; it's just that usually it seems to be a waste of time. I don't mean to sound cynical and am in fact thankful for typical appointments with nothing to report. My symptoms or complaints tend to be related to Multiple Sclerosis, and for the most part they are a bit illusive. How do you evaluate fatigue? Fatigue for one person may be very different than another. Otherwise my test results are usually within normal range. The appointment usually ends with an obvious reminder, "Your symptoms are most likely related to MS."Today I sat down, picked up a magazine, and read half heartedly about the latest debacle in government. For what ever reason, waiting rooms are stocked with sports or news related magazines and the occasional home décor. A better choice would be to have subject matter that would lower one's blood pressure, not increase it. As I'm flipping through the pages, I am aware of how apathetic I've become towards the issues of the world. "Is my lack of interest a reflection of a disregard for social concerns or am I just saturated with constant negative reporting?" Suddenly, I am startled by a woman sitting to my right; she excuses herself and puts her magazine down, as she walks into the examining room. Silly, but I felt a bit of jubilation; she had left me a Better Homes and Garden to look through. I quickly returned the news magazine to the table and began flipping through BHG for an article that would take my mind off serious issues.One sounded intriguing; a discussion about the pros and cons of eclectic design. I wondered why I'm so drawn to an eclectic design. Undoubtedly the affinity I have for old world décor is a result of living with my grandparents in Portugal for a few years. My tendency is to recall these childhood memories with a palpable perfection.Traveling also influences the atmosphere of my home. It engages my emotions, bringing me closer to the local customs; making me feel alive. I enjoy learning first hand about different cultures and exposing my son to these cultures as well. Whether we choose to fly to Europe, take a train to Canada, drive over the border to Mexico or walk to our local home goods store, it is probable that we will encounter an item from another country, an item reflecting a particular tradition. That is why eclectic design is so appealing to me; it incorporates beautiful and at times meaningful items from many cultures around the world. These artifacts not only serve as reminders of my experiences abroad, but also represent the idea that our world is diverse and full of wonder. When I think about it, every aspect of my life is affected by an eclectic philosophy. I use what works for me and leave what doesn't.According to this article in BHG, there are a few guidelines to follow in order to achieve a successful eclectic design. Rule number one; it's essential to identify a common thread and continue it throughout the room. Rule number two; keep it organized and uncluttered; present your items with respect for the individual piece and its origins. Just as I was beginning to read rule number three, my name was called out. I quickly put the magazine down and followed the nurse down the hall and into the examining room. She asked me to remove my clothes and put a gown on. I could wrap myself three times in this one. I tied the strings, but it was pointless really, it fell off my shoulders and inevitably opened from behind. This didn't bother me; I was never very bashful in front of physicians. It felt like a business transaction in many ways. You go in, take care of business, and you leave; hopefully with a healthy evaluation.However, today was a little different. Fatigue comes and goes, but lately it had lingered longer than usual. Lately it had been affecting my ability to function at work and home. Usually I just assume it is MS related and muddle through it. But lately it's been bothering me more so. I decided to discuss my symptoms with the doctor and ask her to check other non-routine lab work. Maybe I had hypothyroidism or perhaps I was anemic. Both conditions could be easily treated. In essence I was hoping the doctor would find a benign condition or cause; identify it, treat it and resolve it. She agreed these conditions were plausible in lieu of all my symptoms. She agreed to do a full work-up, including thyroid tests and iron levels. I was to see her again once the results of the lab work came back.A week later I was back in the examining room. While I was waiting I remembered that article that I had read in the previous visit. It occurred to me that health care providers would benefit from an eclectic approach to medicine. Today I was hoping for something more. I had been experimenting with alternative health practitioners on my own from time to time, and I wondered if she was knowledgeable about alternative medicine. I decided to ask her how she felt about it, willing to take the risk of being ridiculed. I wanted my doctor to work with me and respect my beliefs. I wanted to take these visits and change them from a business transaction to a healing experience and felt that maybe it was up to me to open the door. . She entered the room with a pleasant smile on her face; explaining that the lab work was normal and although this was ultimately good news she could at the same time understand my frustration. She knew I was looking for the answer. Regrettably she had nothing else to offer. At that point I asked her how she felt about alternative approaches and if she had any personal knowledge of such therapies. To her credit she compassionately listened to me and proceeded to explain that she had no professional knowledge of alternative therapies, but that she could relay an experience one of her secretaries recently had. Apparently she had been experiencing sharp pain in her right arm for years. She went to several physicians including specialists. Her efforts led to no avail. She was so desperate that she decided to try an acupuncturist as a last resort. After a few sessions the pain resolved and the use of her arm was back to normal. Dr. Jones had to admit that based on her personal knowledge of the case, the outcome was phenomenal. Choosing her words carefully she acknowledged my belief in the benefits of certain alternative therapies but cautioned me as well. I saw the apprehension in her face. Alternative therapies were foreign to her and have often been admonished and ridiculed by western medicine. Traditional western medicine has no place for alternative therapies; it's not part of the construct.There is a level of comfort one enjoys, albeit illusory, in believing that science, especially the western medical model, is the only model we can truly trust. Anything outside of the parameters is unwelcome, considered dangerous, archaic, and pointless to investigate. For example, why would we use herbs if we have drugs? Isn't the use of whole herbs a symbol of an archaic medical system? Hasn't modern medicine developed drugs as a result of the less effective use of herbs? Haven't we transcended the need for herbal preparations altogether? Many western practitioners would answer yes to these questions. And if this is their premise, than it becomes clear as to why good solid research on the use of botanicals and other alternative therapies has lagged behind. If your perspective is one of transcending the ancient medical models, than there is no room for exploring what they have had to offer for millennia. Dr. Jones had at least allowed for the possibility that acupuncture may have helped in a very real observable way. In contrast, there have been other physician encounters where I had been admonished for using supplements such as; CoQ and Primrose oil. There is reason to take comfort; it is an easier way to practice medicine. It may not however be ultimately in the best interest of the patient. Doctors are taught to offer all potentially helpful options and to educate the patient with regards to the risks and benefits of such options. At the very least the health care provider should be aware in a general sense of alternative options and have connections with reputable alternative practitioners who are licensed and respected within their field of expertise.Being a patient who has a pharmacy background has been at times a struggle for me. On the on hand it has been helpful in guiding me through decisions with respect tom own health. On the other hand having a chronic disease like Multiple Sclerosis, I am painfully aware of conventional medicine's shortcomings. There are not many options available and the ones that I have tried have brought with them side effects that I wasn't willing to live with. Having no other option I turned to acupuncture in desperation. To my surprise it not only helped, the effect was significant. There were no side effects--only improvement.Professionally I was trained to disregard alternative therapies and to caution patients against them, but here I am with a personal experience that proves to me and me alone that there are effective alternatives that are being overlooked or ignored. As a pharmacist I walk a thin line. Morally I feel obligated to offer information to patients about alternative therapies when appropriate. At the same time I feel I hold back for fear of being reprimanded by the board of pharmacy or worse still by disgruntled physicians who may not appreciate my suggestions. First do no harm has at times become; first protect yourself legally; and that's unfortunate.We have been forced to practice defensive medicine. Our medical system, as technologically advanced as it is, is in disarray. Thousands of MRI's, CAT scans, X-rays, blood work are being performed every day; many needlessly. Prescriptions are being handed out like candy; at times just to pacify the patient. Unfortunately these patients soon realize just how expensive the piece of paper they hold in their hands really is.At the pharmacy I'm approached by patients all the time with various questions. In an attempt to more effectively provide them with helpful information, I usually ask brief questions about their conditions and if they had discussed their concerns with their physicians. Often time the answer is no. Excuses may range from, "I could see that he was busy, so I didn't want to bother him" or "We did discuss it, but I'm not sure I understand" or "I'm concerned about any side effects or drug interactions" or "Isn't there anything else I could take that's over the counter" or "This is too expensive, I can't afford it". In addition, many patients are seeing several doctors and often times each doctor is unaware of what the others are prescribing. In an attempt to save money the patient frequents several pharmacies in order to get the best price. All of this leads to a disorganized medical system which leaves the patient in a vulnerable position as well as their health care providers. If Dr. X isn't aware that Mrs. Smith is taking diazepam, he may write for another sedative, alprazolam. If her primary care physician prescribed the diazepam for muscle spasms and her psychiatrist prescribed alprazolam for anxiety, the patient may believe that these two drugs have nothing in common and it doesn't even occur to her to mention it to either doctor.Physicians will routinely ask if you are taking any other medication. Time and again I see that physicians are not aware of their patient's complete drug history and even less aware of what they take over the counter. It is our responsibility as pharmacists to bring this to the doctor's awareness, but we are hindered by not having access to the patient's complete medical history, which includes other pharmacies that they go to. In these cases it seems obvious that the person most capable of resolving these issues is the patient herself, by being forth coming with the information. I'm all for patient responsibility, but what do you do with an elderly population that has a difficult time remembering and understanding medical jargon?And what of individuals whose English is their second language and have difficulty understanding as well? By no means are these the only patients that we have to be concerned with. The population at large still sees the physician as a patriarchal figure, an expert when it comes to their health. They mistakenly assume that practitioners have an ongoing dialogue amongst one another in which they routinely partake in conversations regarding their patients.This naive understanding of the medical system, contributes to a patient's vulnerability and less than optimal medical care. I am a strong supporter of patient responsibility--to a certain extent. They are responsible for communicating openly with all their health care practitioners and asking questions, until they are satisfied that they understand all options regarding therapy they are receiving. However how is it possible for someone outside the medical field, to understand completely what is best for them? It seems that every nightly news show is full of contradictory research conclusions. Part of the problem is sensational headlines, whose only purpose it to captivate the audience's attention. Viewers are left with the misleading headline in their minds and aren't aware of the details in the research, which offers a more comprehensive analysis. Of course we are taking for granted that the study itself was well designed and accurate. Patients are bombarded with contradicting information on a regular basis. Even if they want to take an active role in their healing process, they are overwhelmed with questions that seem to have no end. To make matters worse, according to Dr. John Abramson of Harvard Medical School, many popular studies that have been done in the recent past have had significant flaws at best and outright fraudulent at worst. How are patients to know the difference if practitioners themselves have a hard time deciphering the good ones from the bad?What I once thought to be research that was done impeccably, with the highest scientific standards, published in trustworthy peer reviewed journals, is no longer true. I went to college in the eighties, a time in which I was made to believe that scientific research was almost sacred in nature. Scientists were seen as objective individuals who would above all else do everything within their power to avoid any bias toward a particular outcome. Dr. Abramson explains in his book Overdosed America that we are standing on shaky ground. Research that once was done by nonprofit organizations, such as universities and hospitals, is now being done by drug companies. Our regulatory agencies which once were forbidden to take money from drug companies are now being subsidies by them. The journals that once had my full confidence, are now receiving millions of dollars from drug companies in exchange for advertisements. Physician's prescribing habits are not only being monitored by insurance companies but also by drug companies and their sales people, in order to more efficiently target marketing. In addition, practicing physicians have routinely been recruited to participate in clinical studies. They were modestly reimbursed for their time if at all; now participating in clinical research means big dollars. Not only are the drug companies doing their own research, but they are hiring their own doctors to do the follow-up clinical studies. This does not mean that all results are unreliable, but one has to question the validity of studies financed through private companies. Where are the safeguards against bias?Practitioners that are hesitant to recommend or even tolerate the idea of alternative medicine should consider the issues that have arisen over the last few decades within our own medical system. Healthy skepticism is necessary when evaluating any therapy now more than ever before. Fortunately many physicians have the capacity and aptitude to thoroughly evaluate a study. Statistical analysis is now taught at most medical schools. Unfortunately, evaluating alternative therapies is a bit more complex, only because their knowledge base in these therapies is negligible. Most medical schools don't have these courses available.There are some medical school curriculums which offer courses on alternative and complimentary approaches. These are few and are most often offered as electives within the required curriculum. Some schools are on the cutting edge of training their physicians in a more comprehensive fashion. Often these opportunities are available to medical school graduates when they finish their standard training. These already established physicians chose to do a fellowship in integrative medicine. One such school is the University of Arizona Integrative Medicine Program. This program was founded by Dr. Andrew Weil a foremost expert in the field. In an attempt to educate the practitioner at large, the program also offers continuing education courses on various therapies in complimentary and alternative medicine (CAM). Educational institutions such as this one are at the forefront of a changing paradigm in medicine. They are doing much to dispel the negative stereotype that CAM approaches have received over the last forty years or so. They have taken a hard look at CAM therapies and identified those that are efficacious and beneficial.Although the number of clinical trials being conducted on CAM therapies are growing in number, there is an undercurrent of disapproval in order to show that most of these therapies are ineffective at best and harmful at worst. It is logical that given the number of therapies available to the consumer, some will be shown not to work and some may prove to be unsafe, but the amount of negative reports in the media suggest a negative bias. There was a news report a few years ago whose headline read "Study proves that St. John's Wort is no better than placebo". In that same study they also compared the efficacy of a popular antidepressant medication. What the media didn't convey was that this antidepressant, which was widely used, was shown to be less effective than placebo. What would it mean to the drug companies if an herb was found to be effective in mild depression? Millions of dollars would be lost.It is difficult to discern credible reporting from what amounts to be agenda driven advertisement. It is essential that we understand the obstacles that we are faced with and take it upon ourselves to unscrupulously assess the reliability and credibility of the report, whether it be conventional or alternative. We need the support and guidance of respected institutions to help us lead the way to a more holistic model of medicine. At the same time we need comprehensive resources to be easily accessible. Having these support systems in place would not only afford us the ability of providing quality care, but would simultaneously reduce our exposure to liability. According to the University of Arizona Program in Integrative Medicine (PIM), the legal issues that health care providers face when recommending or discussing complementary and alternative medicine modalities in their office are as follows:
Malpractice liability for inadequate informed consent
Licensure and credentialing
Scope of practice (the legally authorized practice boundaries for providers)
Professional discipline (discipline for professional misconduct)These concerns are valid and one can understand the hesitancy that many practitioners have. From their perspective they would be jumping in a fire hoping to avoid getting burned. In the midst of these obstacles there are seeds of hope. We as patients and as healthcare providers must not capitulate to this challenge. We must avoid complacency and strive for a healthcare environment that is open to new thought and offers more options. PIM offers suggestions and guidelines to follow which will help in traversing these murky waters. When a patient asks about alternative therapies the following should be considered:
What is the curability rate with conventional care?
Weigh quality of evidence, invasiveness, and toxicities of each therapy.
Patient clearly understands the risks and benefits of each option and accepts those risks.It is also important to familiarize yourself with organizations that have been established, in order to demystify CAM therapies. The Consortium of Academic Health Centers for Integrative Medicine (CAHCIM) is an organization responsible for performing rigorous studies on various medical therapies in order to create new models of clinical care, these models would integrate biomedicine, the complexity of human beings, the innate nature of healing, with the diversity of therapeutic systems from all over the world. It understands that the western medical model, although superb at treating many diseases and conditions, also has limitations. At the same time it acknowledges that for millennia there have been effective medical models from around the world. Some of the academic medical centers that are members of CAHCIM include: University of Arizona, Harvard, Georgetown, Duke, and Columbia University to name a few. The following is a list of resources that are also a good place to start:
American Botanical Council
American Herbal Pharmacopoeia
Consumer Labs: Randomly test dietary supplements and release their finding to the public
http://www.drweil.com/: Extensive website with information pertaining to both conventional and CAM treatments.
FDA Food Manufacturing Practices (GMP): Sporadically monitors products off the shelf
Independent Drug Information Service (iDiS)
National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine (NCCAM)
National Institute of Health
National Sanitation Foundation (NSF): Dietary supplement quality verification, they use GMP compliance standards
Overdosed America, Dr. John Abramson
Powerful Medicines, Dr. Jeffrey Avron
The Association of Official Analytical Chemists (AOAC)
The Compendium of Asian Patent Medicines
University of Arizona Integrative Medicine Program
United States Pharmacopoeia (USP): Dietary supplement quality verification they use GMP compliance standards
World Health OrganizationGiven the available resources and I'm sure there will be more to come, a practitioner who has a sincere interest in offering his patients more options, can feel more comfortable with the use of alternative medicine. It saddens me to think how the western medical community has so often disparaged and looked upon other medical models with disdain and total disregard. We don't have all the answers, far from it. All medical traditions have blind spots, strengths and weaknesses. Western medicine would benefit from a visit to the therapist, there it would hopefully have a revelation, and it would realize that it is not omnipotent. Could it be projecting onto other medical models what it is afraid to accept of itself? We bare and share the same responsibility, which is to provide the best medical care available to our patients.

A Scientific Shift

2008-01-13T08:06:00.000-08:00

"The most beautiful and profound emotion we can experience is the sensation of the mystical. It is the power of all true science."
--Albert Einstein

It's healthy to have boundaries and a general understanding of the workings of our world. But soon I realized even with my trusty science, theories are just one way of explaining phenomena. For example as important a breakthrough as Einstein's Theory of Relativity is, other research is being done that contradicts some of his conclusions. One such theory suggests that the speed of light is actually slowing down. Einstein's theory and famous equation E=mc2 works on the premise that the speed of light is permanent. So you see we are continuously learning by observing new phenomena and thus rediscovering the workings of our world.There is another current theory that is gaining a lot of scientific support, called String Theory. This theory supports what quantum physics has been observing for many years and is able to merge it with the theory of Relativity. According to string theory, everything we see and don't see, from rocks to people can be broken down to strings of energy. This energy is fluid and dynamic and is found sub-atomically, smaller than electrons. In a book entitled, The Elegant Universe, Dr. Greene's explanation of how this theory changes our understanding of the workings of life and everything in the universe is nothing short of magic.I believe String theory is substantiating in scientific terms that the illusive intuition, for example, is very real. They are not just abstract isolated feelings that an individual has. Mind over matter becomes more than a mere cliché. Now we are beginning to realize, in this case, through physics, that there is so much more that we don't know. This science in particular amazes and continues to inspire me.While you're driving to work tomorrow, look around you--physics is now proving that everything animate and inanimate is energy. Energy which studies show can be manipulated under certain conditions. That means you, the trees around you, the dog crossing the road, your car; everything ultimately is energy, materializing into different forms. If this is in fact true, it changes our perspective on how we see everything. It gives me more hope and confidence that we truly can affect our lives in substantially positive ways, including disease.At the time of my diagnosis my choices as far as traditional medicine is concerned, were very limited. Because of this I developed an interest in researching holistic or alternative approaches. There was already a part of me that believed in the mind/body connection, so one of my first priorities was to take care of my mind. I needed to get control over this depression. This state of mind could only exacerbate my disease as well as damage my quality of life and my family's as well.The depression was having a negative impact on my life, more than MS had ever done. So I found a wonderful therapist who helped me free myself of this destructive thinking pattern. She supported me through the grieving process. Eventually I was able to move forward with a new sense of confidence in myself.If you find yourself in a similar situation, get help. I can't emphasize this enough for those who are struggling with a loss. A good therapist can make the healing process more efficient. By efficient I mean, simpler, quicker, and more meaningful. The word efficient sounds so sterile, but when you're dealing with depression that's exactly what you need, a sterile environment, where you go in, find the problem and cut it out. I may not have control over my disease, but I still had control over my attitude and was determined to conquer this depression.During my therapy she recommended I read Minding the Body, Mending the Mind, by Joan Borysenko, one of the first books that put me on the path of holistic health. After reading that book, meditation became an integral part of my life. My preferred method is to be surrounded by nature. Leaning up against a tree surrounded by the fall foliage or taking a drive to the beach on a warm sunny day is a favorite. Walking onto the rocks and being still, while enjoying the caress of the warm summer breeze as the waves crash and the seagulls fly in the distance. Although visualization works very well, I find when I'm especially drained, nature recharges me quickly and the experience is much more fulfilling. Exercise is also something that I have grudgingly tried to incorporate into my life. The times that I am consistent with it, are the times when I feel my best. It is difficult for me to get started but I find that by getting through the first quarter mile practically sleep walking, I then break free and regain my energy. I rationalize that everything is made of energy and by exercising we are actually raising the vibration of our body's energy field. The higher the vibration the better we feel, at least in my experience.What science is only now beginning to explore, ancient traditions have known for a long time. For example there is an ancient technique which originated hundreds of years ago in Tibet. It is referred to as Reiki (Ray-Kee), which means universal energy. Reiki is an energetic healing technique that helps to reduce stress and often brings about a relaxed state of being. By relaxing the body, it allows for the mind/body connection to work optimally. In turn we experience a feeling of well being and our bodies systems return to balance.These Tibetan monks who developed this technique realized long ago that there was an electromagnetic field that surrounded everything. Of course they didn't refer to it as such. I became so fascinated with this area of healing. For many years I read several different books on energy medicine. It wasn't however until I went to see a psychoneuroimmunologist at Beth Israel Hospital that I decided to receive training in Reiki.My physician was a leading researcher in Multiple Sclerosis, an MD/PhD. I walked into the examining room the first day and there on the desk I spotted an acupuncture model with meridians all over it. I must have looked fascinated by it.The doctor looked at me as she continued my physical exam and asked, "Do you know what that is?"I explained that I did and that in fact I was surprised to see such a thing in the office of someone who was not only trained as a conventional doctor, but in fact was knee deep in typical scientific research. She went on to explain to me that although many of her colleagues do not share her perspective, she believes that there is much that science not only doesn't understand, but science doesn't have the technological capability yet to even look for the answers. She believes that there are ancient traditions, particularly in the east, that have a lot to offer.These medical traditions have survived for thousands of years and they seem to benefit people in many circumstances. She felt that there was no harm in maintaining a firm footing in one world, while exploring another. In fact she confided, "I have received training in Reiki and integrate it into my everyday life." She encouraged me to look into it myself. It was that moment when I truly understood that I didn't have to throw out the baby with the bath water. I could appreciate both medical perspectives and philosophies and benefit from what they had to offer in an integrative approach to health rather than an alternative, yet another lesson for me in accepting the whole and not just its parts. Another words I didn't have to choose. Essentially I felt I was given permission to explore. Learning about these holistic methods was so exciting and freeing for me. It was so much fun to experience some of these methods first hand. I have had wonderful results with massage and acupuncture. Along with the Reiki these are approaches I highly recommend. Acupuncture treatments, in addition to being one hour of relaxation, help to balance my energy field. During the time I was seeing an acupuncturist, and even now, my cravings for unhealthy foods and drinks had greatly diminished. Even now my body usually desires what is healthy for it to thrive. Our bodies are very wise and when balanced we are better able to be sensitive to what they are trying to tell us. No example is more profound then when a woman is pregnant. Many women have cravings and they vary from woman to woman. At times these cravings are off the wall. My mother shared that when she was pregnant with me, she craved oranges. Not ripe oranges--instead she craved green oranges, unripened, and more than that she ate them like an apple with the skin on. Her and my father would go for their nightly walk together down the cobblestone streets of our home town in Portugal and as soon as she would see an orange tree, she would salivate at the thought of biting into that orange. My poor father hopped many walls and climbed many a tree to satisfy her desire. I can't make sense of it, but our bodies know what they need and what they want and they're more intelligent than we give them credit for. They intuitively know how to get it. My cravings during pregnancy weren't so extravagant. I craved cantaloupes, many many cantaloupes and my sense of smell became bionic. There were many scents I had to avoid. Our bodies have this potential always. We just need to be more aware of our senses and heed their warnings.These approaches that I mentioned above, help to balance our systems so that we can continue to be in tune with our body's natural guidance system. All of these approaches affect us energetically. This idea is no longer new age mumbo jumbo. Science is now beginning to explain what ancient cultures have mystically known for thousands of years.For example, massages are a wonderful way to relax and help to release toxins from our bodies. After a massage it is recommended that we drink plenty of water for the next few days in order to facilitate the elimination of these toxins. On average I see a masseuse four times a year. I understand if my body is tense eventually it will affect other areas of my life, whether it's physical or emotional. So I listen carefully to my body's messages and then I nip it in the bud, before the condition is exacerbated.Over the years I have experimented with various holistic therapies, most of which I found soothing. Take aromatherapy for example, in my personal experience I have found it helpful in achieving or sustaining a certain mood. Whether I use lavender to relax, sage to clear, or citrus scents to revitalize, aromatherapy is an effective tool.Our olfactory sense is very powerful. We have all had the experience of smelling something and immediately a memory is triggered. That is because our sense of smell has a more direct path to the area of our brain that recalls memories than any of the other 4 senses. Aromatherapy can be quite powerful. For the longest time I would have instant recollections of my time spent in Portugal as a child--sweet memories. Until one day as an adult I realized that what was triggering these memories was diesel fuel! Not the best scent to trigger happy sensations, but it made sense. At the time diesel was the main fuel used in Portugal. So if a bus happened to pass by me, I would be flooded with good feelings.There are other ways in which feelings can be affected. Consider for a moment, items that surround you, items that you have a particular fondness for. Maybe it's a cozy blanket, one that's practically falling apart from so much use, but none the less it's near and dear to you and soothes you. What about the mood that the soft warm glow of candles can impart in a room? Your grandmother's vase filled with fresh cut flowers from your garden which you cultivated with loving tenderness and serenity. All of these are examples of things that can and do affect your mood and ultimately can affect your perception of the world at that given moment.Now bear with me for a moment longer. What if someone told you that blankets could cure depression? Would you believe them or politely remove yourself from the presence of an individual who most certainly has one foot off the curb? What if they said it could treat depression? The inference there, meaning the state of mind that is associated with depression. Still you would say highly doubtful. I agree, highly doubtful. Well what if it's not depression at all, what if it's merely a case of the blues, melancholy? Can you see yourself being soothed by wrapping yourself in the comfort of your favorite blanket? No the blanket didn't heal you and really it has no innate magical powers, but it is a particular blanket, your blanket, which carries nurturing energetic vibrations that now resonate with you from years of use. Thus it is soothing to your energy field, granted in a mild but never the less, effective way.This leads me to the controversial discussion of crystals and other stones. I can see the rolling of the eyes. Breathe, relax, and keep an open mind, then decide what you believe. These new age items especially have been highly criticized by the skeptics. Remember, everything is made of energy--everything. You can't escape that fact. More accurately everything is energy. The material world---matter---is just a materialized expression of energy vibrating at different frequencies. So therefore, in its very essence, every little thing, including rocks, water, wood, etc., they all have there own unique vibration. So if we accept that String theory has merit, then it isn't that far fetched to entertain the idea that particular crystals or stones have a specific affect on their environment. Do they cure disease? Probably not, although the power of suggestion is a powerful thing. Is it impossible? Nothing is impossible. Can they affect our energy fields in ways to assist us in healing ourselves? Absolutely. But it's not because they're different or unique or even magical. It is exactly because they are the same as everything else that exists in the world. It's all energy, affecting the surroundings in different ways. Individuals with our own unique frequencies respond differently to these crystals. Just like that blanket, it has everything to do with how something resonates with you.My collection of stones and crystals come from many different places in the world. Most I didn't buy, but prefer to find one that I'm drawn to in that particular place and time. Mainly I enjoy them as reminders of that experience and also for their innate beauty. I have found them helpful in meditating, especially when meditating outdoors is not possible. These are my little pieces of nature that create a soothing, relaxing environment for me to be able to surrender to the moment. Again, it's not magic. Their unique energetic vibrations affect the surroundings in such a way that it assists me in achieving higher levels of consciousness. You don't have to spend money on buying specific stones. Take a walk along your favorite wooded path or a secluded beach. Surround yourself with earth's own gifts. Then bring back small reminders of the beauty you've just experienced, the moment you just captured.In defense of the critics, unfortunately there are many who take advantage of vulnerable people and claim that their product cures a disease or all diseases. Just remember to balance an open mind with healthy skepticism. Research a product or a service thoroughly before passing judgment one way or another and then follow your intuition. There are therapies that you may find very helpful and others that despite the research and recommendations do nothing for you personally. That's okay; it just means it doesn't resonate with you at that given moment. You may try it again years later and change your mind completely, or not. Use caution however, with people charging large fees and claiming to cure diseases. Otherwise, explore and enjoy the adventure.

Be Aware of New Age Guilt: Responsibility Does Not Equal Blame

2008-01-12T11:48:00.000-08:00

"Are you getting enlightened or losing your mind?"
--Dennis Gersten, MD

By now you have noticed that while I have a scientific background I am also open minded and respect that there are things in the world that we just can't explain scientifically. Through anecdotal evidence and thousands of years of accounts, some of these alternative or metaphysical accounts may very well have merit. However, as with all things, it seems some people have gone to an extreme.I have found open minded people in all walks of life. What I value about the general new age philosophy, is a strong connection to the earth and the environment, while focusing on the importance of a spiritual life and its connection to health. These individuals are respectful of one another's perspectives and compassionately understand that we are all on our own unique path. Although they may prefer to do things as holistically as possible, they also understand the value of traditional methods. And instead of being antagonistic towards other ways of living or healing, they are able to integrate both and choose to use either one when appropriate.For example, if you had a broken leg, you would go to the emergency room. If you also wanted help in accelerating the healing process, you may in addition request therapeutic touch, which in many hospitals across the country is offered by the nursing staff. It is important for us to use the best of both worlds and picking the best therapeutic intervention, given the circumstances at the time.The new age community is diverse and includes many, if not all religions. However there are fanatics here as well, as in every religion and organization, but most individuals continue to practice their own religion, in a less dogmatic format. The new age movement seems to have started as a reaction to organized, stifling, dogmatic religions and other institutions, including western medicine. These institutions are perceived to be close minded, exclusive, judgmental and heavy on dogma. But somewhere along the line for some, the new age movement turned into the very thing they abhorred. Although I consider myself open minded, I am concerned with how some of its members stand in judgment of other people. It goes further than that. There are those who are adamant about criticizing others and even going as far as to blame them for their illnesses or difficult circumstances. When I hear these people speaking I wonder if they realize that their interpretation of Karma is very close to the fear that many Christians have of a punitive God.There are those that believe all unfortunate and tragic circumstances are the blame of the person involved. These people take a black and white position on negative circumstances, whether they are diseases or unfortunate accidents. A typical reaction might be, "Well if bad events happen to someone, it's because on some level they asked for it. Energetically that person drew these circumstances to him." Can we honestly believe that one individual would have such presence and importance in the world that a war or world disturbance was created solely for his spiritual benefit? I understand that everything and everyone is comprised of energy and that in turn everything affects everything else in minor to major ways. Having said that, we must also remember that there are many variables in any given interaction and situation. There are many forces at play and far be it for one individual to judge the life path of another, particularly in a condescending and culpatorial way. It is impossible for us to ever really know what part of our life is destiny and what part of it is due to free will. We can only take one day at a time and respond to each moment with sincerity and courage.I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience, not the other way around. In other words our essence is spirit or more accurately, Holy Spirit. We don't have to attain it, we already are. We need to embrace humanity as spiritual beings and enjoy all it has to offer, emotion, desire, pain, passion, our physicality and everything else that comes with being human, including human limitations and imperfections. What's the point in being human if we don't allow ourselves to experience an array of emotions? We must try to understand our own psychology. What is it that makes us tick and what is it that doesn't? And yes through our own exploration we will encounter both positive and negative emotions. There are those who believe that we can only embody love. They present themselves and expect others to be optimistic and to always have a smile on their face. The reality is that soon enough they will encounter a situation or an individual that triggers an angry response or maybe a sad one. When this happens some individuals choose to run away or escape what is causing them to express negative feelings. Others just numb themselves and pretend that the situation isn't at all troublesome. This only suppresses what inevitably we all feel--- a healthy range of emotions. Pretending these emotions don't exist or stifling them only leads to a superficial existence.Of course it is up to us to express them in a healthy manner. But that doesn't necessarily mean calm. We all lose our cool once in a while, whether it's with our children or our spouse or our boss. But we learn and we communicate and we move on. This is the dynamics of life. It is a dance between highs and lows and our abilities to deal with both. If we can acknowledge these feelings to ourselves and are able to communicate them with others when appropriate, then we will be able to more authentically come from a place of peace and serenity. Acting peaceful and serene is quite different than sincerely feeling it.We are merely kidding ourselves, if we pretend to be above it all. In order to transcend, you must first experience that which needs transcending. So allow yourself to feel everything, process those feelings, good and bad, and come back to center. John Keats once wrote, "Oh, for a life of sensations rather than thoughts..." The human form makes it possible for us to be sensual with ourselves, nature and other human beings. So let's heal our thoughts, our memories and so that we can make the time to enjoy the sensual pleasures of our present moment.These vehicles that our souls are in (our sacred bodies), were given to us for a reason. We should appreciate their beauty and embrace them as part of our divinity. They enable us to have experiences that spirit cannot have. It is because of our humanity that we are capable of experiencing passion. When combined with our spirituality these experiences are surreal and expansive. Along with this potential for such bliss, we must also allow for the grief that is also a result of the human condition. Let us not deny these emotions and thoughts, for if we do we are suppressing all emotion and all thought and thus prevent ourselves from ever truly being happy. Since it is unhealthy for us to suppress our emotions, let's express them in healthy ways and learn from them. Understanding why we feel the way we do will help us grow and live authentically from the heart. It is imperative in this world of ours that we strive to understand ourselves because only then can we understand one another. Let us have compassion and realize that we are all on this journey together and need to support, nurture and help one another.New age extremists believe that everything happens for a reason. We are here to learn lessons; nothing is a coincidence. There can be no light without darkness. Everything is connected. We have mapped out our lives before we reincarnated to best learn these lessons so that we can evolve spiritually. Western thinking has another philosophical extreme. Everything happens randomly. We are merely bodies that die and turn to ash. There is no spirit. This is our only reality. Genetics and environment are sole predictors of disease development.Let's look at nothing is a coincidence. Let's say I believe in synchronicity. Let me explain. I believe that on a very fundamental level everything and ultimately everyone is connected. This is no longer a mystical idea. This idea is taking root in the scientific community through the new discoveries of String Theory. So yes for every action there is an equal reaction. But, there is never just one action and therefore never just one reaction. In this diverse world of ours, there are infinite numbers of thoughts and actions taking place every second of the day. As we are well aware these reactions don't usually happen instantly as in Bewitched. Things happened just with the intention and a twitch of her nose. Magic does happen, but it is not usually that simple. Thank God. Otherwise we would have destroyed ourselves a long time ago.Even in psychology there is a theory called Systems theory. It's a holistic approachto therapy. It looks at relationships between individuals, communities, nations, etc. It recognizes that we are all part of different systems which in turn are interdependent. Whether we are causing the affect as an individual or as a group or nation, all of us at some level will be affected. A nation's policies can affect an individual's personal life and an individual's ideas and beliefs can affect a nation's policies. Sometimes things happen strictly as a direct result and consequence to our own action, but frankly sometimes things just happen and it really has nothing to do with us but is based on a decision made by another individual with free will. We must accept responsibility for our own decisions, which includes how we choose to react to any circumstance. But do not ever blame yourself for being raped, beaten, mugged or harmed in any other way. You did not ask for this. Hopefully this advice seems obvious to most of you, but there are vulnerable people that are walking around guilt ridden because they've been told they're to blame on some level. This way of thinking is only harmful to someone's self-esteem and ultimately to the healing process. In most cases it is not your fault you have a disease. I say most because we all know the choice to smoke will most likely bring consequences of disease. Not being to blame for a disease does not absolve us of having the responsibility to heal ourselves as best as we can. We can help ourselves by becoming aware of the pattern of abuse or in the case of disease what factors exacerbate the condition. And we make decisions with the help of professionals and friends to guide us and support us in difficult times, to improve our situation. As Jesus showed us, lessons can be learned through love and through hardship. Extreme philosophies are not helpful, except to show us where the center is. And if this is the case I must thank those extremists who have provided me the luxury of being dynamic moderate.

Paying Attention to Intuition and Realizing the Power of Intention

2008-01-11T11:53:00.000-08:00

"When our heart is open to God all life pours in more abundantly"
--Joan Borysenko, PhD

I had an experience last year that demonstrated to me the magical workings of the universe. It was one of the most beautiful experiences I have ever had and made truly special by synchronistic events that followed. Our lives are a tapestry, a work of art, and the energy that creates all things, is our medium. We choose our colors and create our painting as it materializes before us.I was at work one Friday afternoon, telling my girlfriend how it had been 20 years since my last visit to Portugal. She was trying to convince me that I was long over due and asked me why I hadn't gone back. The truth is there were always roadblocks: College, money, timing, etc. I reacted in a very ambivalent way and told her I didn't know when I would be able to go again. That Saturday my mom received a call from her sister who was spending the summer there. I soon found out that my grandfather was very ill and the doctors believed it was only a matter of time. There was no blood flowing to his leg and it had been blue and cold for 2 days. They expected gangrene to set in, shortly. He was in excruciating pain and sent home with painkillers to make his last days more comfortable.That Saturday I contemplated going to see him. But I was a bit scared about flying over the Atlantic this time. I had never been afraid of flying in the past. I had always found it exhilarating as well as serene. I relished the time above the clouds away from it all. But this time I had an uneasy feeling about it. Since I take my intuition very seriously, I examined the feeling carefully. Was it my intuition or was it fear and instinctively was I reacting to that fear? I believe intuition is a knowing that comes from a peaceful place of serenity. Instinct is useful, but works from a primitive level.Animals have instincts to keep them alive. Watching the rabbits in my back yard I see them run at the sound or sight of anything that moves. Does that mean that they are constantly in harms way? No, they are just unable to process the information mentally in order to decide if the threat is real. So their only option is to run. What an anxious life. We humans have the capacity to make other choices. Not only can we process the experience and put it in its proper perspective and context, but we also have intuition to guide us as well. Through experience and conscious awareness we learn the difference. Keeping this in mind I continued sorting out my feelings.I asked myself, if it wasn't for the fear of the plane ride, would it feel right to go. If I could magically pop myself over there would I want to be there? The answer was definitely yes. I called my mother and told her I would fly out with her. We got tickets out that following Wednesday, the soonest flight available. My mom suggested we stay 2 weeks, at which point I adamantly said no. It just wasn't possible and I didn't feel right about it. In the meantime I began sending Reiki to vovo (my grandfather).Reiki is a form of therapeutic touch. Although it is an ancient technique, it was rediscovered in the early 1900's by Dr. Usui. He was the one responsible for sharing Reiki with the outside world. It had for so many years been kept secret and only allowed to be taught to a select few. As a master Reiki practitioner, I had the attunement that would allow me to do distant healing. It couldn't hurt. When we arrived in Portugal a few days later, my aunt told us vovo was feeling much better, his leg was warm and pink and he was hungry and eating well......not to mention drinking his adored red wine. He lives in wine country, with vineyards everywhere. I wrote a note to myself: vovo doing better, doctors are astonished, wonder if Reiki helped. I visited him almost everyday and treated him with Reiki while I was there.During that time we stayed in my grandfather's home with two of my aunts and uncles. My aunt complained of severe chronic back pain and without knowing of my interests in Reiki, asked if I wouldn't mind giving her a treatment. Almost every evening for the next seven nights, I gave her massage along with Reiki. To this day she can't stop thanking me and telling everyone how my sessions with her alleviated her pain more than any medication or treatment she had ever had. These experiences were as healing for me as they were for them. It is a wonderful feeling to be of service to someone else in such a deeply spiritual way.I felt literally bathed in love, from the atmosphere of the land itself, surrounded by eucalyptus filled mountain ranges, vineyards as far as the eye could see fields of fragrant lavender and brightly colored yellow hills of sunflowers. Blue, sunny skies that were present the entire time and of course my family who I hadn't seen in 20 years. Many people offered to take me site seeing, especially to the larger cities, Lisbon and the like. But I just wanted to relish in the serenity of this magical atmosphere. The planets and stars must have been in perfect alignment. All variables came together to make this a magical and reaffirming experience. I felt complete, fulfilled. Looking back I realized that I had been immersed in the present moment.When the time came to return to the states, I knew I would miss the people and the country itself. Leaving the bedroom I slept in, surrounded by such rich history, the very bedroom I was born in, it was bitter sweet. But I kept that wonderful warm feeling with me always. I am grateful for having had the opportunity to experience living in the present moment continuously for an entire week. I knew then bliss was possible and very real.I arrived back at the states and told myself how silly it was to have been worried about the flight. I didn't know at the time why I felt the discomfort, the fear was unwarranted and I reimmersed myself in my daily routine. Exactly one week after our return, the tragedy of September 11th happened. If we had stayed that extra week, we wouldn't have been able to return as all airports were closed. It was as if the universe had been telling me to go now and enjoy the experience while I still could. It nourished me with love of family and the land, that I had been missing for so long, and gave me a chance to help and make a difference in someone's life. Once again my perspective on life was enhanced. As far as the discomfort I was picking up before the trip, maybe it was a foreshadowing of what was to come. Maybe I was picking up on that negative energy and just didn't understand it at the time. Here's an example of intuition helping us tell the difference between a real imminent threat and instinctive reactions. I had been feeling that something wasn't quite right and felt a general anxiety. I mistakenly associated that anxiety with the flight. By not allowing the fear to paralyze me, and following my intuition instead, I was able to fulfill my desire of seeing my grandfather, and returning safely home as well. It was the last time I had with him. Three years later, on January 28, 2004 my vivacious grandfather, whose hunger and optimism for life were contagious, passed quietly away in his sleep.I was shaken as we all were by the tragedy of September 11th, and will never forget those who lost their lives, the victims and the heroes. It's more than a tragedy. It will also serve as a reminder that although hatred exists in the world, so does love and joy. It is through experiences such as these that I realize the universe is a dynamic, energetic force with immense healing potential. Whether the experience is on a large scale like this one or on a personal level, like my own in Portugal, we must try to live every day to its fullest and take the time to notice the miracles that surround us. There are wonderful books that open our minds and help us to expand our awareness. If you're searching for answers and guidance, my recommendation to you is read, read, read. There are intriguing, educational, and inspirational books out there. Whether your interest is spirituality, psychology, holistic health, or String theory there's an endless supply of information. It all depends what direction your interests lie and where your intuition takes you. You don't have to agree with everything an author says. Take what works for you and leave the rest behind, benefiting from their point of view, while making up your own mind as to what is most beneficial to you.We have spoken of positive and affirming experiences, and how they affect us in many ways, including energetically. What happens when the exposure is a negative one? What happens when we are exposed to unhealthy situations? The potential for an individual to affect us energetically can be tremendously greater than the impact of a crystal. Taking this into consideration, one realizes even more so, why it is so important to surround ourselves with healthy relationships and joyful experiences. This doesn't mean that if you're near a negative person for a day, that this contact will change your life forever. However, if this is your mainstay, if you are surrounded by negative energies consistently, then yes overtime it will affect you on some level. Some of us may be more affected than others depending on how strong our own energy field is at the time.During a period of physical and emotional vulnerability, it is especially important that we find loving human beings and surroundings. It all comes down to balance. It is idealistic to expect that we can rid ourselves of all negativity. We can take charge and minimize our exposure to it as much as possible. For example, many women love to shop, especially at the mall. I have never enjoyed shopping, particularly at the mall, yet never really understood why. One day I read of someone who had similar dislikes and she explained why. The author described herself as an emotional sponge. Energetically she picked up on other people's feelings very easily, a true empath. If you know how to handle it, this can be a great quality to have, otherwise it can be quite debilitating.There are some of you who might relate to walking into a room, and without knowing anything that went on, you can feel the tension immediately. Sometimes it's a subtle knowing, but for some they not only know it they feel it, all of it. Imagine not being able to stop picking up someone else's emotions. The worst places to be for an empath are crowded places, like the mall. Well I now understood why I disliked the mall and any crowded place with highly energetic environments. Now whenever I go to places like these, I sit in the car for a moment and center myself. Take deep breaths and visualize a protective loving light surround me. Is this full proof? Nope, but it makes the experience a lot more tolerable and much less draining. Fortunately for empaths the opposite is also true. When empathic individuals are surrounded by positive and uplifting people, these feelings are also picked up quite easily. A deep sense of well being is quickly absorbed.

Searching for a Sense of Purpose: A Disconnect From Spirit

2008-01-10T11:57:00.000-08:00

"A teacher affects eternity; he can never tell where his influence stops."
--Henry Adams

We all need a mentor from time to time. Someone we admire, who is wise and can show us where to go when we lose our way. Often this person is in our lives and at times it's someone we have never met. One of my favorite books that embodies the meaning of the word spirit is Tuesdays With Morrie. Here we have a man who loses what is most valuable to a normal human existence. All of his physical abilities, voluntary and involuntary, are taken away from him day by day until the breath itself is stolen from him. How refreshing to look at life through the eyes of someone who is touching death and is able to clearly see what is truly important in living. We get so caught up with our busy lives of doing more, being better, getting richer, etc., that we lose our perspective. We need to look at what is most meaningful to a fulfilling life. It goes deeper than merely taking life for granted. The very sacredness of our human existence becomes invisible in our daily lives; which are cluttered with obligations, materialistic needs, and career ambitions. My understanding of Morrie's message is not that these needs and ambitions are unhealthy in and of themselves, but are toxic to our human spirit when they become our major focus.It's unfortunate that for most of us it takes a disaster or serious illness to change our perspective. Maybe when we are face to face with death or a very real threat of death we don't have energy to think about or consider many other things. At these moments our focus of what is important changes to what is truly essential to our happiness, our comfort, and our ultimate purpose in life. Tragedy has a way of making us feel life, not just think about it. It brings us into the present moment. The present moment becomes inescapable. At the moment we accept uncertainty and surrender, we begin to see our true essence.Certainly there are those who react by shutting down. The pain is too great and all feeling and emotion is suppressed. This lasts for a brief period of time. This is natural and part of the grieving process. In time this depression and anger subside. But for some it may last until the very last breath. A blanket of numbness stands in the way of these individuals from ever experiencing joy again.Morrie seemed to be a grateful person even before his illness, a wonderful teacher and friend who captivated his students with wit and love. He chose to guide them gently and encouraged them to grow spiritually. Judgment and condemnation were not a part of his personality. Coercion was not his means to an end. Loving patience, great story telling and excellent listening skills were crucial components to his teaching style. Using his sociology class as a forum to discuss the meaning of life was his ultimate goal. Academics was the tool he used and the human capacity for a human being to live a joyful life was the lesson. What a privilege it must have been for the author to be touched by such an eloquent mentor. How appropriate that his final lesson plan was to be a compilation of his life's works, as well as current life observations.Morrie reminds us over and over of the importance of relationships and love, all different kinds of love. It sounds so touchy feely. After all it's not love that pays the bills. But what is the point in paying bills without love? What will help us to endure the difficulties and disappointments of this world if we don't have love? I once heard someone say that we all need a witness to our life. A loving friendship affords us the opportunity to be acknowledged as a unique human being and it also gives us the priviledge of being a witness to someone else's life's journey.One can make a pretty strong argument that having money versus not having it is a good thing. Not having to be concerned about how to pay the bills removes a lot of stress. However, wealth doesn't necessarily remove those concerns. For most of us the wealthier we are, the bigger the bills. Even if financial stress is removed and we are able to buy whatever we desire, vacation whenever we want, attaining the best of the best.....once we have satiated ourselves with things and more things and we have traveled to the ends of the earth, how fulfilling is this life without love, without companionship, without the validation and support that is the fruit of a loving relationship? We can be rich and happy but only if we have love in our life as well.We can be happy and in love if we are poor. But we can't be happy and fulfilled without love. It is like trying to bake a cake without flour. One can add all the sugar in the world and lots of eggs and flavors of all kinds, but without the flour, without the attention, focus, warmth and patience, it is merely a mixture of ingredients that leaves us hungry and unfulfilled.A friend of mine who I have known for many years is a successful physician. His patients and his research have always been his major focus. He is one of the most ambitious people I know. He has worked very hard to become well respected in his field on a national level. Well known medical journals have published his papers and he is an excellent clinician. However, because of his self-imposed demanding schedule he has very little time for relationships. He is lucky to have an understanding partner, but spends very little time with her. Stress is a constant factor in his life, as he is always worried about the next paper, the next grant. Sleeping through the night is nearly impossible and his working relationships are difficult.In retrospect he has accomplished everything he had ever dreamed of and more. Graduating from an Ivy League medical school, at the top of his class; he completed his residency and fellowship at one of the nation's most prestigious hospitals. That's followed by a successful career, a million-dollar house, expensive cars and trips to exotic places, and yet he is unhappy. He confides in me how stressful and demanding his life is. What he doesn't realize is that it is self-imposed. All of his career accomplishments have not brought him happiness and love. He continues ambitiously searching for that next research paper, that next position that will bring him happiness and a sense of fulfillment. Fulfillment will not be found in more work, more accomplishments, more money, and more stress. Only after he places love above all else, as a basic foundation to life, will he truly be able to enjoy his accomplishments in their proper place. He has lost his perspective and only he can find it again.

The Ego and the Spirit: Two Sides of the Same Coin

2008-01-09T12:00:00.000-08:00

"Ego boundaries must be hardened before they can be softened. An identity must be established before it can be transcended"
--Scott Peck, MD

I think we need to accept the fact that we will be uncomfortable and in pain at times, but some experiences must be lived out, explored and understood. It is worse to suppress and deny than to accept and explore. The pain is temporary; it will not last forever. This is our experience, there are no rights and wrongs, there are only choices. All roads lead to Rome as they say. Choosing which path is a personal choice unique to each of us. These are precious and valuable moments. The final destination is only a culmination of our life's journey. Without them, the journey itself doesn't exist. What is your destination? It becomes an unanswerable question. Think of it as a treasure hunt. You pick up the occasional clues and only when you finish will you know where and how you've arrived. If we neglect to pay attention, we may never be able to answer the question. Joy is the total awareness of positive and negative circumstances and choosing to appreciate all of them, without relinquishing responsibility, and yet surrendering to the moment, allowing the moment to ebb and flow, void of resistance. Merely noticing the experience and releasing once again. Paying attention means acknowledging our pain, anger, and sadness and also our happiness, excitement, peace and love. Love penetrates everything and it is our ultimate purpose.It is difficult sometimes to maintain this state of mind. Our essence is Love and yet so many times and for so many of us, we live with blinders on. We react from defensive positions, instead of being in the world and understanding it with compassion. Eckhart Tolle writes that this part of ourselves is the ego self, an unconscious self. The term unconscious is used as a spiritual term not in a Freudian sense. Most of us live and see the world through the ego's perception. We are disconnected or unaware of our true divine nature. We spend our lives in a deep spiritual sleep. If this is how we exist in the world then any love we feel comes from another. Thus when others cannot fulfill our needs and desires, we feel hollow and empty without purpose. Most of us experience these moments from time to time, but when moments become months and years and even a lifetime, our attitude towards the world and those around us turns to selfish apathy. Nothing truly fulfills us and we feel incomplete despite how wonderful the circumstances may be.At times, we are unconscious to the miracle of life, and unable to perceive the beauty that we are and the beauty that surrounds and encompasses our being. It can be difficult, to maintain this peaceful perspective of ourselves, especially with our hectic schedules. Maintaining a positive and loving awareness of who we are, one hundred percent of the time, is not the goal. The mere realization that there always exists a divinity within us and that this self can be felt at any given moment, is enough to change our perspective on the way we live. The challenge then becomes to peel away the layers of negativity, acquired by certain circumstances and people in our lives, including ourselves. That small shift in attitude is enough to break through pity, self-loathing and a feeling of inadequacy. Our goal becomes one of growth, understanding, compassion and forgiveness and not the unrealistic expectation of perfection or pure enlightenment, before we die. In my opinion, it is these very imperfections, unique to each individual, that make each of us special and endearing. When the critic kicks in, as my therapist use to say, we gently remind it that we may not be the best in the world at any one thing. We may not be the prettiest or the smartest, but combine all our qualities, and there lies the gift. The way we deal with our weaknesses and strengths in the present moment, will define the joy in our lives.Eckhart Tolle refers to the present moment as, living in the now. He writes about being present in the moment with no judgment of the past, or the future. Just accepting this chosen moment to experience the divinity that we are. This means relinquishing the judgmental attitudes that we all have and allowing ourselves to be who we are, where we are, in that moment. That is the only requirement, to be fully present and aware.Mother Theresa once said, "God does not require that we succeed, only that we try." This is not synonymous with having an apathetic approach to life, exactly the opposite. It is a compassionate way of understanding and fully accepting ourselves, our faults, weaknesses and transgressions. Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. It is that basic. We must forgive ourselves, in order to have the capacity to truly forgive others. By doing this, it sets us free to enjoy the moment in our own unique perfection.Eventually putting this philosophy into practice will begin to heal us spiritually and psychologically. The benefits will be seen in the moment. The more present and conscious of our actions we become, the easier it will be to achieve and remain for longer periods of time in this state of mind. The healthier we will become. For me the definition of compassion is to, love and accept ourselves completely, including our ego self (that part of us that was created by our humanity), with no judgments and no regrets, just fully present with humility.It's true that most of us will not attain the complete enlightenment that Jesus and Buddha attained. But we are on our own individual spiritual journey at our own pace. Only we can truly heal ourselves and strive for more awareness. This is not a race or a competition to see who gets there first. In the game of golf, as Scott Peck describes in his book, Golf and the Spirit, we continually strive to improve our game. It is our own game we have to improve, regardless of how everyone else is playing. Even the pros end up in the water on occasion. We take our turn and focus on the ball. That is our present moment. Our goal is to improve our score over time and if in the end we have played better than when we started, then we have succeeded. Golf is an example of how you use an activity to practice bringing your attention to the present moment. The more focused you are on the ball and discourage other thoughts from distracting you, the better golf you will play. This type of mindfulness can be done with anything; cutting vegetables, gardening, running, fishing or meditating. There is nothing inherently peaceful in the activity itself, instead it is your mind and attention to the moment that allows you to feel detached from routine stress and yet centered spiritually, with a sense that you are a part of all that surrounds you.

Spirituality and the Shadow-Self: How do we reconcile the Two?

2008-01-08T12:04:00.000-08:00

"Embrace the grief, be kind to yourself, love yourself and honor the process. Let the pain move through you. Experience it and let it go."
--Stephen Levine

It is challenging to be fully present in humanity, embracing all it has to offer and yet continue to feel as if we're one with the universe. While the life of a monk for example is dedicated to maintaining this very connection and feeling of oneness, we must strive for a balance between the day to day responsibilities that require our physical attention and our spiritual selves that require nourishment from God. Somehow by merging the two, we are able to experience passion, disappointment and joy. By meditating on a regular basis, whatever form that takes for you, it could be sitting, running, gardening, etc, one can more easily incorporate our spirituality into our humanity. There is a symbiotic relationship between spirituality and physicality. It is by balancing the two that we experience the potential for greatest growth. Until you have truly experienced the grief in the moment you will prevent yourself from healing and your awareness of the divine will be suppressed as well.Notice I have said your awareness. In reality we are divine already, and always perfectly spiritual. So the trick is not to become spiritual, but to become aware of our spiritual nature or essence while embracing humanity and all of its physical conditions. We are not on this earth to escape our physical bodies. We are here to enjoy them as much as we can. How magnificent and fortunate for us to be given such a privilege.Having an ego is part of our humanity. It is the reason why we are capable of feeling resentment and jealousy, etc. It is here that the shadow-self makes itself known. Many refer to it as the darker side of our personality. As much as we would like to pretend that it doesn't exist, at least not in ourselves, we all have one. Carl Jung, a psychiatrist, refers to it as our shadow self. We struggle with it at times and when we suppress it for too long, deny or ignore it; it makes itself known quite dramatically in psychological and sometimes physical ways.We all know of times when we avoid facing something that is troubling us and then become easily irritable towards others. Another example may be someone who suppresses anger to such an extent, that it becomes internalized and experiences it as self-hatred. When these conditions are chronic they go on to affect our bodies, through what is now referred to as the mind/body connection. This is not to say that we get sick on our own, far from it. Viruses and bacteria are very real and so is the slippery stair that caused you to break your leg. But how quickly we catch viruses and bacterial infections and how quickly we heal depends partly on our mind/body connection. So can you control everything? No. Control is an illusion. But do you have the potential to heal effectively and visualize your desires and dreams by co-creating with the Universe? Absolutely. So you can't control......but you can take charge of your life.By listening to our bodies, minds and our higher self, by remaining open to the messages they offer us, we remain connected to our divine source. In this reality all aspects of our personalities are valuable and have their place. They deserve our respect and full attention. There is no point in denying our shadow-self and pretending that we're angelic. Instead know that you are angelic and embrace your shadow self with love and compassion, in order to heal authentically and experience those wonderful moments of expansive, present bliss.People often say, "That comes from the heart." That's wonderful, but it's just as important to be in the heart, always present and aware of all emotion. We may try to kid ourselves by thinking; It is only pain that I suppress, I allow myself to feel joy. We are only slowly closing our hearts to all experience, including joy. If we continue to suppress emotions, not only will we become numb to life's experience but we will also feel hollow, empty, incomplete and alone. Sometimes it's difficult and too painful to go it alone. There are many ways of easing the process of healing. I encourage you to be kind to yourself by finding the nurturing balance that you need. Find someone you trust and confide in a friend.Writing in a journal has always been cathartic for me. Treating yourself to a massage or energy healing to balance your system and reduce stress is also very helpful in the healing process. It's up to you to reach out. It is our awareness of the whole experience that completes us and makes us whole. I don't believe that ignorance is bliss. In knowing yourself, the more knowledge you have the better. Only then can you know how to heal. Otherwise how will you even know to ask for help?We all have moments of what I call soulful weakness. Maybe a better term would be an ego overload, where we will use any psychological defense mechanism to avoid pain. Even this is temporarily healthy for us psychologically. There is only so much pain the ego can endure at a given moment. This varies from person to person and moment to moment. When someone is severely hurt and faints, it is because the pain is overwhelming and the ego shuts down in order to survive.I'll give you a personal example. I have never had problems with injections or getting my blood drawn. When the nurse suggested that I would be more comfortable if I looked away, I continued to watch and was not disturbed in the least. However when I was diagnosed with MS, I was prescribed an injectable drug which had to be injected intramuscularly on a weekly basis. A nurse came to the house to teach me the proper procedure. No problem. I watched her do it on an orange, and then I practiced on that same orange. Okay, I'm ready. I pulled down my pants, pinched my thigh and basically jabbed my leg. I'm watching while injecting the drug. Quickly I became lightheaded, dizzy, nauseous, and nearly fainted as my eye rolled to the back of my head and the syringe was left dangling from my leg. Needless to say my ego didn't like the idea of what seemed to be self-mutilation. Obviously that's not what it was, but from the ego's perspective, you just don't stab yourself, at least not while you're watching. Anyway now I inject subcutaneously with a wonderful gizmo that doesn't allow me to see the needle, much better. But let me clarify. Defense mechanisms are necessary and healthy as long as they are used appropriately as a response to a given stressful situation and they may only last for a short period of time. It is important to remember to experience, acknowledge, and process. Protecting ourselves from pain is a dynamic process, not a stagnant one. It is important to find meaning in the pain, but only if there is no healthy way of avoiding it. Thank God for subcutaneous injections--aahhh the wonders of technology.There are times when we feel as though we are at a cross roads. We do feel stagnant and we realize that we are. It's difficult sometimes to know how to proceed. To understand what it is that will help us to persevere. When I am faced with these situations I find the following prayer helpful. It helps to keep me grounded and at peace in realizing that there are things that we can't control, and surrender is the key. God please grant me the courage to change the things that I can control, the serenity to accept the things that I can not, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Compassion for Others Begins with Ourselves

2008-01-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

We are responsible for how we choose to deal with our struggles and our challenges regardless of what they may be. It is a human condition that we are affected by our genetics. Our genes are responsible for giving us blue eyes, brown hair and a short stature and they can also predispose us to certain kinds of disease. A predisposition means that we are susceptible to acquiring a disease given the right circumstances. These circumstances are a result of the environment we live in or are exposed to on a daily basis. To a certain degree we have control over our environment and are responsible for our wellbeing in many ways. However there are situations in which we have very little control and often aren't even aware of the dangers that we are exposing ourselves to. We must educate ourselves and become familiar with healthy ways of life. But we mustn't punish ourselves and feel guilty for circumstances in our lives that are ultimately out of our control and unavoidable. We do the best we can with what we know. We are all ultimately here to learn, love and accept ourselves and others. There is enough grief already. There is no sense in feeling guilty over things we can't control. It's unhealthy and there are no benefits to you or to the world. Guilt breeds resentment. All we can do is be open to love, and live authentically in the moment, with the knowledge that we have at that time. We are not being punished and our lessons don't always have to be learned the hard way. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes, learn from them, heal and move on. Believe me you will make more mistakes in the future; it's part of the human condition.If your analogy to life is climbing a mountain, strive for the summit, but remember that through the struggle there are many beautiful places to see along the way. It doesn't have to be an exhausting climb. In fact you might even learn more with diverse experiences than only conquering the mountain through hardship and struggle and perseverance. Open your heart and love yourself and others along the way. This is our true nature, our ultimate purpose. Just think maybe in all this confusion and debate, we may just be God's own explorers. All he asks of us is that we experience life as authentically as possible, and that we report back to him once in awhile, with stories and the occasional request for help and reinforcement. So be curious and investigate the workings of the world and yourself. As we evolve and grow and as new experiences come our way, there will be more to learn. We are all on a journey and our paths may cross for a moment or a lifetime. Let's enjoy this journey together and be a witness to someone else's sacred and unique life.