"Neurosis is ignorance and a misguided attempt to deny life's uncertainty and unpredictability. None of us knows what life will offer us one minute from now....."
--Dennis Gersten, M.D.
It has been three years since I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Three years since I felt happiness would never again be possible. I remember that day very well. I was in the den, when my husband Dennis came home from medical school. He began asking me about my day."How did it go? How was your appointment with the doctor?" he asked."I was at the doctor's for 45 minutes. She asked me a lot of questions. 'When did the numbness start? Is it just on your left leg? Is there any weakness? Any headaches?' She also seemed to be very interested that I had purpura and optic neuritis in the past." I responded.As I explained my office visit Dennis began taking his hospital smock off, placed his books on the table and walked over to the couch and sat down while looking through the mail--the daily routine.I continued describing my visit while Dennis listened half-heartedly."So what did she say it is?" he asked with a passing interest.I paused and lowered my voice. Calmly I said, "The doctor thinks there is a good possibility it could be multiple sclerosis."The words came out softly without conviction. I knew this statement would stun Dennis. Being in medical school he knew exactly what MS was and what a debilitating nerve disease this could be. "Common things are common." he would always say. But at that moment it hit him that when things happen to you, they don't feel so uncommon anymore.Dennis dropped the mail on the table and quickly looked at me with a nervous smile on his face. He was stunned, and amazed at the same time. It was almost as if the medical student was intrigued with the diagnosis, while the man who loved me, the husband, was shocked."MS. Just like that? No test, no nothing, she really thinks it's MS?" He asked in disbelief.His question hung in mid air. My mouth was dry. I was silent. At the same time I was looking through Dennis's medical references, trying to find some information on MS, hoping to find something that would contradict her diagnosis. After all, they were wrong five years before when they diagnosed me with leukemia and it turned out to be a severe case of mononucleosis. They had made a mistake before, I thought.At that time I was very ill. I had lost the ability to coagulate blood and began bleeding into my tissues. My platelet count had fallen to 6,000. I was covered with bruises and small dots of blood called petecheai. I had them everywhere -- even on my tongue. My options at the time were a splenectomy and high doses of intravenous steroids. I was hospitalized for fear that I would bleed into my brain. Despite the obvious predicament, I felt a sense of peace spreading throughout my body. I felt light and expansive and was aware of tranquil smile on my face. There was no trepidation, no concern. I felt perfect and whole in that moment, as if protected or bathed in love a radiance exuded from within me.The next morning the doctors awoke me and proceeded to tell me that I was getting better. A surprise to the doctors, my platelet count had gone from 6,000 to 75,000 overnight without any treatment. By their faces I could tell they were expecting an overtly elated reaction, but intuitively I must have known. My only reaction was a smile as I drifted back to sleep. Thankfully there was no need for any treatment. This experience was profound and continues to stay with me always. Angels were amongst me that day and I will always remember the feeling. Within a month's time I had recovered completely.Life is a God given privilege. I had thought that experience had been my wake up call. I felt that this had been my lesson on how not to take life for granted. But here I was again five years later behind a desk looking for information on multiple sclerosis. What could the lesson be this time? What am I to learn from this experience? Why me? Why now? As these thoughts raced through my mind, I turned my somber face toward Dennis and said softly, "She scheduled me for an MRI, but she is pretty sure that it is MS."As days passed the anxiety began to build. I had no appetite, no energy. I was obsessing over the diagnosis. There were times that I thought I would never be able to stop crying. "Why did this happen to me?" My voice trembled, as I gasped for air. It seemed the tears would never stop, as I felt them cascading down my face. "What have I done to deserve this?" I asked God. Maybe I needed to be a better wife, more dedicated to my husband. I thought. "I'll be a good wife and support my husband, without hesitation, even if he wants to be a surgeon. I don't care. If he wants to move away I'll do that too. I promise, I promise, I promise..........." The words seemed to linger in mid air. I repeated these words over and over until I collapsed on the bed in a fetal position, sobbing. "I'm so tired, so tired." I cried. I cried myself to sleep, from shear emotional exhaustion, asking God for forgiveness.I awoke from a peaceful sleep and from a dream world where MS didn't exist. As I became aware that the disease may very well be a part of my reality, I pleaded with God again. "Please God, I promise if these test results come back negative, I'll sacrifice my life for my husband. I'll support him in anything he wants to do." I felt this must be it. This must be the lesson this time. The pact was made; I hoped the MRI would not confirm MS. It was all a big mistake. After all it was just a little numbness. The same kind you feel when the dentist administers anesthesia. It's not a big deal. It was just another wake-up call, a warning to be more supportive to my husband.It was Tuesday morning, the day of the exam. The MRI was scheduled for noon. I had become more and more anxious: my teeth were clenched, my belly tight, and I made countless trips to the bathroom that morning. There was nothing left to get rid of. I thought as I sat on the toilet with my arms crossed over my abdomen.I felt comfortable in that small bathroom. It was only four by five, the size of a small closet with a shower, a few mirrors, and a sink. It was carpeted and had a small window above the toilet. There was a heat lamp above which turned the entire room red and warm. I found this warmth comforting, like the warm glow of a fire on a cold winter day. It reminded me of the walks I took by the river, as a child, and the orange and red hues of the sunsets reflecting off the water. It made me think of simpler innocent times. My tense body soon began to soften. I did not want to leave this safe haven. I wanted to hold onto this peaceful feeling. It was as if this room separated me from the real world. I felt as if the disease didn't exist in this room. I envisioned myself curling up on the bathroom rug, under the red light and sleeping for days, waking up to find that this was all a nightmare.The time came, I went to my appointment, it seemed as if my body was on autopilot. My mind was somewhere else. I was aware, yet my body felt numb, silent, almost unresponsive. As if I was separate from myself, watching myself exist. Maybe this is what people mean, when they say they are experiencing an out of body experience. By dissociating this way I was able to maintain some control. I feared feeling even the slightest bit of anxiety, afraid it would snowball into an anxiety that would never leave. I reasoned that anxiety would only drain me of much needed energy, energy I needed for minimal functioning -- walking, talking, and taking care of my baby. So I laid there for 45 minutes in that coffin like machine, numb to the moment. I noticed with a sense of detachment as they injected me with dye, but it didn't faze me. And then it was over, just like that. My future was now in there hands and I wanted to be home and safe.The day of the results came. I began trembling. Tears began to form in my eyes, but I managed to swallow them. As the time drew near I felt as if I could lose control, a feeling of quickly falling off a large cliff, while trying to grab anything in sight to stop from falling.I called Dennis immediately. "Please come home, I need you to be here when I get the call. I'm so scared, I can't stop from shaking. Please come home, please... I need you to hold me, stop me from shaking." I pleaded."I can't go home now. I need to finish writing up my patients. Besides I'll be home soon enough and we'll talk then. Be strong and remember if you have MS, you've had it for many years and labeling it isn't going to change or worsen your condition. The only difference is, you now know you have it." He said with confidence.His steadfast demeanor in stressful situations always calmed me. While these words were comforting, I longed to be held. I longed to feel his arms around me, reassuring me everything would be fine.I thought of calling my mom, but didn't want to worry her. I didn't have the energy to bury my own fear and insecurities in order to reassure my parents. I didn't have the energy to be stoic. No this was definitely not what I needed. I decided to call a friend. I hesitantly picked up the phone. As soon as I heard her voice I began to cry. I felt like a jigsaw puzzle whose pieces had scattered to the floor. I explained what had happened and that I needed someone to be there with me when the call came. She assured me she would be there as soon as possible.An hour went by and I just sat on the living room couch, my legs tucked under my while both my arms were hugging a pillow close to my chest, as if by pressing hard enough, I would make the pain I felt in my heart go away or at least lessen it. I began rocking back and forth, back and forth, almost obsessively. By making my mind concentrate on this repetitive motion, I hoped to block out thoughts of the impending phone call. It was also an outlet for all the nervous energy I was holding on to. Suddenly, the doorbell rang loudly. It was an old doorbell and under normal circumstances would make a person jump, but under these circumstances I practically shook out of my skin. Startled, I jumped up and was relieved that my friend had arrived before the call. We embraced at the door. I held her tightly. I was so thankful to have my friend by my side. The trembling began to subside little by little. The tears would come and go, but she was there to comfort me; to reassure me that things would be okay. For that moment it was enough to know that I could lean on her.The phone rang, my heart sank and I began feeling flushed. My entire body became warm down to my fingertips; it was a warmth of apprehension, not tranquility.I picked up the receiver, "Hello Cris, its Dr. Anderson with your MRI results. I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but the results are conclusive for MS. The MRI shows that plaques have formed in your brain. These plaques are scars left over by inflammation caused by the disease process." I was silent; just listening word for word. Everything seemed to be happening in slow motion."The next step is to refer you to a neurologist. Again I'm sorry and I wish you all the best." She said quietly.I remained silent. I was so still, as if I were trying to figure out what was happening, hoping that this was just a misunderstanding. I tried to integrate all I heard. It soon became clear to me, there was no mistake. This was real. It was official. There was no more turning back. No more hoping or wishing for a mistake. It was conclusive. This time I had a disease!When Dennis came home I was a mess, asking why repeatedly over and over. I was grasping at straws. I asked him if it were better to have cancer than MS. I asked him what I could expect. He was unsure of the prognosis and began searching through his medical books for answers."What does this mean? How will I be a year from now? Will I be able to function? I want more children, more babies. I want to be able to enjoy pregnancy again." Questions began flooding my mind. I didn't know much about MS. All I knew was that it could cause paralysis. I began seeing images in my mind of wheelchairs and of being bedridden. Then I remembered what Dennis had said. "Just because you are officially diagnosed or labeled with a disease, doesn't make you more ill than you were to begin with." That's true. I thought to myself. I've been living with this for a long time. But quickly my fears of the future returned. "There is something inside of my body that I can't control, an autoimmune disease, eating away at my nervous system, sabotaging health and happiness. I felt I was losing control over myself, my well being. The months ahead were filled with agonizing pain and feelings of isolation. Fears of uncertainty about my future would seep into what should have been pleasant memories--my son's first birthday and my husband's graduation.There were moments of acceptance and those filled with anger and despair. But as you will see, once I broke through the veil of depression, I realized that MS was responsible for turning my world upside down, eliminated the safe, stable life I once knew, and replaced it with endless possibilities. My intention now was to listen to its message. What could I learn on this new journey?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Disease as a Catalyst for Change
Being diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis was the beginning of a spiritual awakening for me. A personal transformation took place, changing my perception of the world and ultimately giving my life new meaning. I invite you into my world, as I share with you the significant stepping stones of this healing journey.
During my initial phase of grief, I was fortunate to have been surrounded by people who cared about my well being and who also struggled themselves with similar adversities. Listening to their stories, how they struggled and healed, gave me hope that the painful days of grief were temporary and that happiness would once again be a part of my life. There is a sense of isolation that one experiences when dealing with any crisis, especially a disease. These stories were essential in helping me realize that I was not alone.
Listening to music can be comforting because it connects with our innermost feelings; it touches our soul directly. Its vibration resonates with our own rhythm. Strangely, it is the melody and lyrics, that most resemble our present state of mind that we are drawn to. It is its familiarity, a universal acknowledgment of similar experience, whether it be pain, sadness or joy. We feel connected and understood. In the same way, listening to the experience of others made me realize I wasn.t alone. They understood first hand what I was going through. This support system of caring individuals, some who I had never met, gave me hope that I was merely at the beginning of my own healing process.
Multiple Sclerosis has forced me to reevaluate many things in life: my relationships, my career, my future goals, my spiritual life and our medical system. The world as I knew it had crumbled around me, I felt unsafe and insecure. Through the grieving process I began to see that what I had was more than a disease, it was an opportunity, a moment of true clarity. All superfluous mundane concerns were stripped away and so with a fresh optimistic perspective, I chose to accept MS as a precious gift. The idea that life was a gift was now my experience, no longer being a cognitive thought to contemplate but rather a palpable understanding.
People often speak of having lost their innocence after they have been confronted with a crisis; to the contrary -- I found mine. I learned to surrender to a higher power and relinquish control, giving way to a sense of peace and tranquility. Life was now fresh and crisp, a wonderfully raw experience. Suddenly skies were bluer and clouds mesmerizing; I felt the tenderness in the sweet cooing of a pair of doves. The sound of rustling leaves was almost lyrical, as if the trees could speak. There was crispness in the air and yet warmth enveloped me. Not since childhood had I felt so alive and free.
Multiple Sclerosis has been my challenge and part of my spiritual journey, a journey that continues to remind me to release my fears and to view obstacles as a chain of sacred moments of opportunity leading to growth. Maintaining a state of mind that facilitates a deep spiritual connection is difficult at times, a state in which we are open and connected to the world, feeling a part of everything that surrounds us. When these moments do happen, they are the simplest and most natural way to be and once again I am aware of the spiritual nature of our existence and the world we live in. This sacredness is who we are and exists in all of nature -- the spiritual essence of humanity. Through meditation, prayer and research, it became clear that mind, body and spirit were not ephemeral or poetic in nature, but were intertwined and interconnected; the sum of which was much greater than its parts. My idea and understanding of a reductionist.s approach to medicine would also shatter and a search for a new holistic approach ensued.
Strangely, my disease, or should I say the process of understanding its effect on my life, heightened my senses. As a result, my world is more vivid and experiences have become more precious than ever before. Please understand that this revelation, my new perspective and attitude towards life did not come overnight, but after dealing with much pain and depression. Those painful times were the catalyst and the beginning of a transformation. They are as important to my healing process as all the peaceful moments that were to come. Virginia Satir once said, .Life is not the way it.s supposed to be. It.s the way it is. How you cope with it is what makes the difference.. It is my sincere desire that the following pages be familiar lyrics whose music resonates to the beating of your heart. May my story be a catalyst for your own healing process, and an affirmation of the path you have already embarked upon.
During my initial phase of grief, I was fortunate to have been surrounded by people who cared about my well being and who also struggled themselves with similar adversities. Listening to their stories, how they struggled and healed, gave me hope that the painful days of grief were temporary and that happiness would once again be a part of my life. There is a sense of isolation that one experiences when dealing with any crisis, especially a disease. These stories were essential in helping me realize that I was not alone.
Listening to music can be comforting because it connects with our innermost feelings; it touches our soul directly. Its vibration resonates with our own rhythm. Strangely, it is the melody and lyrics, that most resemble our present state of mind that we are drawn to. It is its familiarity, a universal acknowledgment of similar experience, whether it be pain, sadness or joy. We feel connected and understood. In the same way, listening to the experience of others made me realize I wasn.t alone. They understood first hand what I was going through. This support system of caring individuals, some who I had never met, gave me hope that I was merely at the beginning of my own healing process.
Multiple Sclerosis has forced me to reevaluate many things in life: my relationships, my career, my future goals, my spiritual life and our medical system. The world as I knew it had crumbled around me, I felt unsafe and insecure. Through the grieving process I began to see that what I had was more than a disease, it was an opportunity, a moment of true clarity. All superfluous mundane concerns were stripped away and so with a fresh optimistic perspective, I chose to accept MS as a precious gift. The idea that life was a gift was now my experience, no longer being a cognitive thought to contemplate but rather a palpable understanding.
People often speak of having lost their innocence after they have been confronted with a crisis; to the contrary -- I found mine. I learned to surrender to a higher power and relinquish control, giving way to a sense of peace and tranquility. Life was now fresh and crisp, a wonderfully raw experience. Suddenly skies were bluer and clouds mesmerizing; I felt the tenderness in the sweet cooing of a pair of doves. The sound of rustling leaves was almost lyrical, as if the trees could speak. There was crispness in the air and yet warmth enveloped me. Not since childhood had I felt so alive and free.
Multiple Sclerosis has been my challenge and part of my spiritual journey, a journey that continues to remind me to release my fears and to view obstacles as a chain of sacred moments of opportunity leading to growth. Maintaining a state of mind that facilitates a deep spiritual connection is difficult at times, a state in which we are open and connected to the world, feeling a part of everything that surrounds us. When these moments do happen, they are the simplest and most natural way to be and once again I am aware of the spiritual nature of our existence and the world we live in. This sacredness is who we are and exists in all of nature -- the spiritual essence of humanity. Through meditation, prayer and research, it became clear that mind, body and spirit were not ephemeral or poetic in nature, but were intertwined and interconnected; the sum of which was much greater than its parts. My idea and understanding of a reductionist.s approach to medicine would also shatter and a search for a new holistic approach ensued.
Strangely, my disease, or should I say the process of understanding its effect on my life, heightened my senses. As a result, my world is more vivid and experiences have become more precious than ever before. Please understand that this revelation, my new perspective and attitude towards life did not come overnight, but after dealing with much pain and depression. Those painful times were the catalyst and the beginning of a transformation. They are as important to my healing process as all the peaceful moments that were to come. Virginia Satir once said, .Life is not the way it.s supposed to be. It.s the way it is. How you cope with it is what makes the difference.. It is my sincere desire that the following pages be familiar lyrics whose music resonates to the beating of your heart. May my story be a catalyst for your own healing process, and an affirmation of the path you have already embarked upon.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Conquering Fears
"It is abundantly evident that belief in God is often destructively dogmatic. Is the problem, then, that humans tend to believe in God, or is the problem that humans tend to be dogmatic?"
--Scott Peck, MD
Most of us, struggle with fear, whether we have a disease or not. Overcoming our fears is a challenge we all have in common and can experience in our everyday lives. Fear can be a healthy deterrent to possible danger, but it can and often does prevent us from living out our dreams today. We waste energy worrying about what dangers tomorrow may bring.Knowing the unpredictable nature of this disease, I had a choice to live in fear and unhappiness, or to release the fear and take a leap of faith, every day hoping for a smile and yet one more day of sunshine. I didn't want to take one more day for granted. Living in the moment, as presently as possible became very important to me. This not only helped to ground me in the present, but also helped me to tune into my true self. I began to ask myself what my desires were. Am I fulfilled? Why or why not? What am I truly afraid of?There are many lessons to be learned during our lifetime. But putting our fears into perspective is one we can learn together with compassion, patience, determination and love. Our ability to conquer any obstacle is not only dependent upon wisdom and an awareness of the problem, but also love. Wisdom is the union of knowledge and intuition. Love is unconditional and compassionate. It was love and wisdom that I needed to foster in myself.We fear the unpredictable nature of painful situations, such as disease. Learning from our past experiences is important; they often serve us in a healthy way to be cautious about future decisions. But there is an enormous difference between learning from the past while moving on with our lives, and dwelling in the past as if we are reliving it every day. The former, with forgiveness and compassion empowers us; the latter keeps us frozen in time. This not only sabotages our chances of living happily in the present moment, but it also prevents us from freely dreaming about our future. At best we settle for familiarity, at worst we become paralyzed emotionally, unable to authentically enjoy life.My lesson and challenge was to find happiness in the present despite uncertain and unsettling circumstances. Without living fully present, a joyful and fulfilling future will not easily manifest. Think about it. What is the future really; more present moments. So if we keep waiting for tomorrow to bring us happiness, we may never get to experience it first hand. Reality is now. One thing that I have learned and will never take for granted again is that no one, not even the healthiest person alive, ever knows what tomorrow will bring. The courage to deal with this unpredictability comes from a relationship with a higher power and an awareness of my own divinity and thus the capacity to overcome.Someone close to me once reminded me, "You may be diagnosed today with a disease, but someone healthy may die tomorrow in an accident".That is life, and as she also reminded me, "Life isn't fair.", a sobering, ultimately liberating realization.For the first time, I truly heard those words as a fact. Her statement was blunt and to the point. The good girl behavior doesn't ensure an easy life. It never had. Who ever made me think that life was supposed to be fair? All I had to do was look around. The truth is bad things happen to good people all the time. I was no different. I had to confront the reality that difficult times may lay ahead. It takes courage and conviction to continue on without a road map, without guarantees. It is up to each one of us to nurture that courage and develop the wisdom within ourselves so that we can enjoy both the highs and continue to grow in spite of the lows. At the beginning of my healing process, this was hard to accept.My fears and anxieties were brought to the surface when I learned how potentially devastating and unpredictable MS can be. If the lesson to be learned was to conquer the fear of the unknown, a disease like MS is certainly a challenging one to do it with. It can attack any area of the central nervous system at anytime, without notice, and symptoms may linger for a time, forever, or simply disappear. Did I have fears? That's an understatement. As long as I was awake questions loomed in my mind and consumed me at times.What is MS? What are the symptoms? How is it diagnosed? How will it affect me? How is it treated? What will happen to me? Will I be in a wheelchair? Can I still have children? Will I lose my ability to walk, talk, or see? Will I ever be happy again? People will pity me. No one will find me attractive anymore.I began feeling less of a woman, afraid of becoming a burden to others. I thought I would never be the same. I was right. I would never be the same again. Little did I know a sense of peace and wholeness was to come my way, and my perspective of the world and myself would change drastically for the better.Ironically, a disease that could have limited my perspectives on life, instead opened doors to a new loving and fulfilling reality. I have been blessed with loving and deeply spiritual relationships and a sense of self that seems to grow deeper every day. Some people have come to stay and others have left their foot prints on my heart. Rumi wrote, "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." Looking back, some of my most important lessons were learned through hardship. But through those difficult times I had support from dear friends and unending love from my family. With every person who crosses my path, I now see an opportunity to grow, as I am offered yet another perspective on life.I try to relate to people with reverence. The more I discover about myself, the better I understand other people and vice versa. It is not the quality of the relationship so much as the dynamics of it that give us the opportunity to keep growing. As I mature I have found that life is less and less black and white. It is instead a wondrous existence with a vibrancy of colors that will take a lifetime to understand; a rich and complex experience that's forever unfolding in front of our very eyes. It's up to us to consciously be open to receiving what and who is before us."A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become and still gently invites you to grow." A quote I once read on a bathroom wall. My invitations to grow haven't always been so gentle, but I cherish them none-the-less. While my friends support and encourage me, my family inspires me.There is never a dull moment in my life. I have a mother and an aunt who aside from being my right arm in helping me clean my home, are a source of laughter in my life. I will forever cherish their crazy stories of hometown characters back in Portugal. My husband Dennis is my rock, my safe haven and an endless comedic presence. He gives me plenty of ammunition to laugh with without even trying. I have found that it is possible to laugh through the tears. They are both a cleansing and cathartic experience. My son Matthew and my nieces Sidney and Ashley are reminders of the innocence of childhood. They are my role models for living in the moment. My sister is quietly a consistent source of support and strength. And of course my father, who has also shown me first hand what it is like to struggle in life and continues to press ahead, in spite of the pain. This is my family, resilient passionate people. They have all played a part in shaping the person that I am today in meaningful ways. That is why I value every new encounter that comes into my life. It is another chance to learn from someone else.What a deeply fulfilling experience it is to meet someone for the first time and feel at that moment that you have known them for a lifetime. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The experience of instantly feeling a bond, the very moment of being at one with another's soul is surreal and perfect. Time seems to stop, yet simultaneously there is a sense that you've been together for a millennium. I have had moments such as these and treasure each of them for their life affirming power.This feeling reminds me of a lazy hot summer day. The grass is dry, the air is arid and you find yourself parched. Suddenly someone approaches and offers you an ice cold glass of lemonade. A gentle breeze blows by. Your eyes widen, your heart races, you feel joy running through you as you swallow the cool refreshing fluid. It's perfect and your every desire seems satiated in that moment. I can't imagine life without these moments, these glimpses of heaven.
--Scott Peck, MD
Most of us, struggle with fear, whether we have a disease or not. Overcoming our fears is a challenge we all have in common and can experience in our everyday lives. Fear can be a healthy deterrent to possible danger, but it can and often does prevent us from living out our dreams today. We waste energy worrying about what dangers tomorrow may bring.Knowing the unpredictable nature of this disease, I had a choice to live in fear and unhappiness, or to release the fear and take a leap of faith, every day hoping for a smile and yet one more day of sunshine. I didn't want to take one more day for granted. Living in the moment, as presently as possible became very important to me. This not only helped to ground me in the present, but also helped me to tune into my true self. I began to ask myself what my desires were. Am I fulfilled? Why or why not? What am I truly afraid of?There are many lessons to be learned during our lifetime. But putting our fears into perspective is one we can learn together with compassion, patience, determination and love. Our ability to conquer any obstacle is not only dependent upon wisdom and an awareness of the problem, but also love. Wisdom is the union of knowledge and intuition. Love is unconditional and compassionate. It was love and wisdom that I needed to foster in myself.We fear the unpredictable nature of painful situations, such as disease. Learning from our past experiences is important; they often serve us in a healthy way to be cautious about future decisions. But there is an enormous difference between learning from the past while moving on with our lives, and dwelling in the past as if we are reliving it every day. The former, with forgiveness and compassion empowers us; the latter keeps us frozen in time. This not only sabotages our chances of living happily in the present moment, but it also prevents us from freely dreaming about our future. At best we settle for familiarity, at worst we become paralyzed emotionally, unable to authentically enjoy life.My lesson and challenge was to find happiness in the present despite uncertain and unsettling circumstances. Without living fully present, a joyful and fulfilling future will not easily manifest. Think about it. What is the future really; more present moments. So if we keep waiting for tomorrow to bring us happiness, we may never get to experience it first hand. Reality is now. One thing that I have learned and will never take for granted again is that no one, not even the healthiest person alive, ever knows what tomorrow will bring. The courage to deal with this unpredictability comes from a relationship with a higher power and an awareness of my own divinity and thus the capacity to overcome.Someone close to me once reminded me, "You may be diagnosed today with a disease, but someone healthy may die tomorrow in an accident".That is life, and as she also reminded me, "Life isn't fair.", a sobering, ultimately liberating realization.For the first time, I truly heard those words as a fact. Her statement was blunt and to the point. The good girl behavior doesn't ensure an easy life. It never had. Who ever made me think that life was supposed to be fair? All I had to do was look around. The truth is bad things happen to good people all the time. I was no different. I had to confront the reality that difficult times may lay ahead. It takes courage and conviction to continue on without a road map, without guarantees. It is up to each one of us to nurture that courage and develop the wisdom within ourselves so that we can enjoy both the highs and continue to grow in spite of the lows. At the beginning of my healing process, this was hard to accept.My fears and anxieties were brought to the surface when I learned how potentially devastating and unpredictable MS can be. If the lesson to be learned was to conquer the fear of the unknown, a disease like MS is certainly a challenging one to do it with. It can attack any area of the central nervous system at anytime, without notice, and symptoms may linger for a time, forever, or simply disappear. Did I have fears? That's an understatement. As long as I was awake questions loomed in my mind and consumed me at times.What is MS? What are the symptoms? How is it diagnosed? How will it affect me? How is it treated? What will happen to me? Will I be in a wheelchair? Can I still have children? Will I lose my ability to walk, talk, or see? Will I ever be happy again? People will pity me. No one will find me attractive anymore.I began feeling less of a woman, afraid of becoming a burden to others. I thought I would never be the same. I was right. I would never be the same again. Little did I know a sense of peace and wholeness was to come my way, and my perspective of the world and myself would change drastically for the better.Ironically, a disease that could have limited my perspectives on life, instead opened doors to a new loving and fulfilling reality. I have been blessed with loving and deeply spiritual relationships and a sense of self that seems to grow deeper every day. Some people have come to stay and others have left their foot prints on my heart. Rumi wrote, "Be grateful for whoever comes, because each has been sent as a guide from beyond." Looking back, some of my most important lessons were learned through hardship. But through those difficult times I had support from dear friends and unending love from my family. With every person who crosses my path, I now see an opportunity to grow, as I am offered yet another perspective on life.I try to relate to people with reverence. The more I discover about myself, the better I understand other people and vice versa. It is not the quality of the relationship so much as the dynamics of it that give us the opportunity to keep growing. As I mature I have found that life is less and less black and white. It is instead a wondrous existence with a vibrancy of colors that will take a lifetime to understand; a rich and complex experience that's forever unfolding in front of our very eyes. It's up to us to consciously be open to receiving what and who is before us."A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become and still gently invites you to grow." A quote I once read on a bathroom wall. My invitations to grow haven't always been so gentle, but I cherish them none-the-less. While my friends support and encourage me, my family inspires me.There is never a dull moment in my life. I have a mother and an aunt who aside from being my right arm in helping me clean my home, are a source of laughter in my life. I will forever cherish their crazy stories of hometown characters back in Portugal. My husband Dennis is my rock, my safe haven and an endless comedic presence. He gives me plenty of ammunition to laugh with without even trying. I have found that it is possible to laugh through the tears. They are both a cleansing and cathartic experience. My son Matthew and my nieces Sidney and Ashley are reminders of the innocence of childhood. They are my role models for living in the moment. My sister is quietly a consistent source of support and strength. And of course my father, who has also shown me first hand what it is like to struggle in life and continues to press ahead, in spite of the pain. This is my family, resilient passionate people. They have all played a part in shaping the person that I am today in meaningful ways. That is why I value every new encounter that comes into my life. It is another chance to learn from someone else.What a deeply fulfilling experience it is to meet someone for the first time and feel at that moment that you have known them for a lifetime. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul. The experience of instantly feeling a bond, the very moment of being at one with another's soul is surreal and perfect. Time seems to stop, yet simultaneously there is a sense that you've been together for a millennium. I have had moments such as these and treasure each of them for their life affirming power.This feeling reminds me of a lazy hot summer day. The grass is dry, the air is arid and you find yourself parched. Suddenly someone approaches and offers you an ice cold glass of lemonade. A gentle breeze blows by. Your eyes widen, your heart races, you feel joy running through you as you swallow the cool refreshing fluid. It's perfect and your every desire seems satiated in that moment. I can't imagine life without these moments, these glimpses of heaven.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Understanding Multiple Sclerosis and its Effects on Self-Esteem
"Healing can take many forms. Medical paradigms are merely a set of tools used to facilitate the healing process. Actual healing takes place from within."
--Cristina Berard
Before we go on I'd like to explain what Multiple Sclerosis is for those of you not familiar with this disease. There are several theories on what MS is and how it manifests. In my search for answers, I investigated western medicine and its theories, as well as understanding the disease from an eastern philosophy. For now let's focus on the Western medical perspective, as seen through the lens of the traditional scientific community. It is a disease that affects the central nervous system. It is considered to be an autoimmune disease, meaning the body's own immune system attacks itself. In this case it selectively attacks the coating around the neurons in the brain and spinal cord. This coating is called the myelin sheath. It's analogous to the rubber covering that surrounds electrical wiring. There is no cure at this time, although some progress has been made in treatments.A person's symptoms can be mild their entire life or can progressively worsen. Although there are extreme cases, most individuals fall some where in the middle of the continuum. A symptom such as transient numbness could fall at the mild end of the continuum, while paralysis, although rare could fall at the other extreme. The only thing that is truly known about this disease with certainty is that it is unpredictable. It affects each individual differently at any given point in time.Optic neuritis was my first MS symptom. Basically, it is inflammation of the optic nerve, which can cause temporary or permanent vision loss. It has affected the vision in my left eye to a certain extent. I have had two episodes that I'm aware of over the years. Each time my field of vision in that eye is diminished substantially--similar to what happens in tunnel vision, while most peripheral vision is obscured. Both times I regained my sight to almost full capacity within a few months' time. I have also experienced loss of motor function in my right arm and hand. I would say I lost 80-90% of function in that arm for about a month or so. Gradually my ability returned. In the meantime I could not continue working, since it became impossible to write prescriptions. One of the pharmacist's routine responsibilities is to take oral prescriptions from physicians over the phone. I had to take time off until my motor function returned. Luckily it did. A few months later I returned to work and my penmanship slowly returned to normal.There have been other symptoms that have come and gone over the past 15 years. They have mostly been sensory in nature. In a course of 15 years I have had merely a few such symptoms. I remember in particular one winter when I felt as if I were walking on cold, coarse sand at the beach. No matter how much I tried to warm my feet (and they were warm) the cold raw sensation remained. This might have been a great experience had the timing been right. I would have enjoyed feeling cold, wet sand between my toes in the summer. Another symptom I struggle with from time to time is fatigue. This is one of the few symptoms that most patients have in common. This fatigue can strike at any moment and may last as little as an hour or remain for days. It is similar to the flu like fatigue that comes without warning and disappears in similar fashion. It's as if there isn't enough oxygen in the air around me. At these moments, it feels as though God turned up the gravity pull.Fatigue is frustrating because it is invisible to everyone but you. Usually you look fine to those around you and only those closest to you can tell that something is wrong. But You Look So Well, is the title of a book written many years ago about MS. The title is ironically quite true and appropriate. It can be a lonely disease to live with at times since no one else can see it. Many of the symptoms are invisible to people around you. Numbness, fatigue, memory, and vision problems for example are only experienced by the individual and don't usually directly affect those around them. Unless you say something, others may never know. This can be beneficial at times, but frustrating when you wish others could understand what you're going through.Imagine your best friend's wedding day arrives and you come down with the flu and can't attend. You feel angry, disappointed, but ultimately so tired and worn out that all you can think about is lying in bed and sleeping for days. We can all relate to moments like these. With MS this kind of experience happens more often, except there is no reason, no flu, no vomiting, nothing tangible, just a profound fatigue. This brings on feelings of guilt in the person experiencing the fatigue and in some cases frustration from friends, family and co-workers, who can't relate.I have always prided myself on being dependable. Fortunately, knowing this fatigue can strike at any time, I've been able to adjust my work schedule to part time. By cutting back my hours, I have time to rest in between work days and also have more energy for responsibilities at home. It's a balancing act. It was important for me to know that by working fewer hours and shorter days, I could continue being dependable to my family and my coworkers.Guilt however still makes an appearance at times. As a result I push myself to make it to events, social and professional. At these moments, I feel as if my body is present, but there is a part of me that is completely dissociated from the experience. It's as if I am in a dream, floating above myself and observing everything and everyone from a distance. I must appear to others as dazed, aloof and detached. The two merge once again when I return home to the comfort of my bed and am finally able to rest. Most of the time I get a good night's sleep and wake up refreshed. However, when I keep pushing myself routinely, when I'm not listening to the cues my body is giving me, the fatigue worsens and lasts for longer periods of time. I have to admit; to this day I still cringe when setting up a scheduled date or engagement of any sort, particularly in the evenings. Although I have incorporated many healthy routines and elements into my life, fatigue at times can still be a factor. Once again the lesson is to enjoy the present moment. When I'm feeling energetic, I try to take advantage of it. I certainly enjoy spontaneity and appreciate it much more now than ever before.Rearranging my life became imperative. My expectations had to change. More accurately, I began to realize that these expectations were only a reflection of what I thought was expected of me. I became aware that I was allowing outside forces to shape my life. But to understand this I had to first acknowledge that I had an underlying need for approval. Can you imagine? I needed to receive approval for being me. I began understanding that wanting to please, and needing to please come from completely different states of mind. Wanting comes from a strong sense of Self. This empowered self, our true nature knows who we really are. Needing to please comes from a state of emptiness. In this state, our identity is created by what we do, and how we see ourselves, through someone else's perception of us. It is a self, created by objects, people, and situations outside of us. It's that little girl or boy inside of us who is constantly looking for approval.For many years I existed for what I was to other people, not for who I am. I can now be of service to others, through my own choice and sincere desires. It might sound like this type of attitude would only create more self-centered people. In reality I am a kinder and more considerate person now than ever before. Because when I give, I give from the heart and not just from a subjective sense of obligation. I have learned that by nurturing myself, I have more compassion for others without resentment. MS forced me to see that I couldn't physically give more of myself than my disease would allow. I had to learn to schedule time to relax and pace myself. I also had to learn to feel comfortable asking for and accepting help. This was and continues to be challenging to this day. Listening to my body became essential for living in a healthy manner. For the first time I saw and appreciated the sacredness of this vehicle we call our body. In order to do this I began asking; What felt good for me? What was comfortable? What was more important? What was it that I truly wanted to focus my attention on? The questions didn't stop. I also had to ask myself who in my life was healthy for me and who wasn't? I tried to surround myself with positive loving people and avoided negativity as much as possible.In the process of figuring these things out, I began organizing my life. The junk drawers that we all have had to be cleaned out, both metaphorically and literally. I had to become more efficient in my practical life. Only the essentials remained, only what was ultimately fulfilling for me. Simplifying your life doesn't necessarily mean leaving everything and moving to the woods, it means looking at what you've been, be still, and understanding who you are. You may think this is a selfish attitude to have, as did I for a long time. It is not.My life, my truth, this is who I am. These are my best qualities, coming from a clear place of power, wisdom and love. When you come from a healthy self-nurturing place, the qualities you have to offer embody power, wisdom, love and compassion. Other people sense it. Your very essence exudes compassion. I began noticing that more and more people were drawn to me and enjoyed being in my presence. The feeling was mutual, I was now in a place that I could sense and appreciate the divinity in others. It was easier to see beneath the exterior ego shell that we all carry around.Most of us define ourselves by circumstances and relationships in our lives. We exist because of how others need us and how we need them. Unless we stop existing as a quality in someone else's life, we merely exist for what we have to offer to another, in our own life. There are many people in these codependent relationships. Often the relationship dissolves when the needs of the individuals change. Our qualities can easily be replaced by another individual, but no one can replace our unique self.I recommend asking your self; What am I? Make a list of needs that you think you meet in others and another list of how others meet your needs. Then ask yourself; Who am I? How long is your list? For example, do you like red because it's your significant other's favorite color? Or does it truly please you? Pay very close attention to your answer. Does it please you because it pleases him/her? If this is true then it is not an answer to your who are you question, but rather it answers what you offer to another question instead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it's unhealthy to fulfill your needs or someone else's, but if all or most of your answers to these questions, refer to your relationships with others, then it's worth taking a closer look. Does this confuse you? It confused me for a while and it is still something that I occasionally catch myself doing. Remember, be kind to yourself. This is a process. The most we can expect of ourselves is that we try to improve as time goes on. Eventually we realize that there is a huge difference between existing through our service for others and being of service to others. By being of service we are content regardless of our actions. We already are valuable, authentic and worthy of love. Now by finding that center, we begin to feel the presence of our essence. We're not creating it. We are merely regaining our awareness of our inner authentic spiritual Self.. The veil parts and we begin to see the divinity within us and how truly unique we all are. Once you are able to know this in your heart, then you will be sharing with others your authentic, loving self. I have presented you with a few comparisons so far in the way we think about ourselves and others. It may seem at first to be a mere play on words, but it's not. I believe that we agonize sometimes over things that have been misinterpreted by our brains. We only use a small fraction of the brain's enormous capacity. When we express ourselves mainly verbally or linguistically, there is a limitation that we must consider.Good communication and understanding can be compromised because of verbal limitations. This communication includes the dialogue we have with ourselves. I don't mean that the more educated you are the easier it becomes. Basically, I mean that language itself is limited. An optimistic person for example has a positive inner dialogue with himself. We can only express so much through the written or spoken word and that includes speaking to ourselves. For example, have you ever had moments when you feel frustrated or angry and aren't sure why exactly? You can't quite put your finger on it. But one day you are speaking with a friend and he articulates what you're describing in his own words. He truly captures what you're experiencing. Suddenly you feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, "Oh my God, that's it, that's exactly it!" You respond with elated relief. Although you had a sense that something was bothering you, you were entangled in an emotional web, too close to the trees to see the forest. Having it articulated clearly helps you to identify it, understand it, and plan to resolve it. This is partly the role a good therapist plays in helping someone to heal. In my own healing I have had moments like these -- aha moments. Another veil parts and my world seems even brighter and lighter than before.Take for example the often used term, self-centered. According to Webster's dictionary it means the following: independent of outside force or influence; concerned solely with one's own desires, needs or interests. In my opinion this state of being is not desirable or joyful. In fact it sounds extremely isolating. The definition implies that outside forces are never an influence. I would imagine this would have to include loving, nurturing relationships. Secondly, the individual is concerned solely with themselves.Let's look at the words a little differently. By doing this maybe we will be able to lift that guilt we carry about understanding and nurturing ourselves. What if we switch the words like this, centered-self? I don't think it formally exists in any dictionary, but maybe it should. This is how I would define it: a divine human being who is centered within the universe and authentically comes from a place of power, wisdom and love. In order to be a centered-self, we must be aware of our divinity. And by doing so, knowing who we truly are--a part of the universe and not apart from it. With enough self awareness and willingness to continue to grow, by integrating intellect, intuition, and love, so that we may in turn give authentically to others. Does this sound selfish? Or does it sound like someone you would like to meet? You see, same words, different meanings. One is healthy and inclusive. The other is isolating and exclusive. Words are powerful tools used to communicate with other individuals but most importantly ourselves. I've learned that it begins with me, my mind, my soul, my body.
--Cristina Berard
Before we go on I'd like to explain what Multiple Sclerosis is for those of you not familiar with this disease. There are several theories on what MS is and how it manifests. In my search for answers, I investigated western medicine and its theories, as well as understanding the disease from an eastern philosophy. For now let's focus on the Western medical perspective, as seen through the lens of the traditional scientific community. It is a disease that affects the central nervous system. It is considered to be an autoimmune disease, meaning the body's own immune system attacks itself. In this case it selectively attacks the coating around the neurons in the brain and spinal cord. This coating is called the myelin sheath. It's analogous to the rubber covering that surrounds electrical wiring. There is no cure at this time, although some progress has been made in treatments.A person's symptoms can be mild their entire life or can progressively worsen. Although there are extreme cases, most individuals fall some where in the middle of the continuum. A symptom such as transient numbness could fall at the mild end of the continuum, while paralysis, although rare could fall at the other extreme. The only thing that is truly known about this disease with certainty is that it is unpredictable. It affects each individual differently at any given point in time.Optic neuritis was my first MS symptom. Basically, it is inflammation of the optic nerve, which can cause temporary or permanent vision loss. It has affected the vision in my left eye to a certain extent. I have had two episodes that I'm aware of over the years. Each time my field of vision in that eye is diminished substantially--similar to what happens in tunnel vision, while most peripheral vision is obscured. Both times I regained my sight to almost full capacity within a few months' time. I have also experienced loss of motor function in my right arm and hand. I would say I lost 80-90% of function in that arm for about a month or so. Gradually my ability returned. In the meantime I could not continue working, since it became impossible to write prescriptions. One of the pharmacist's routine responsibilities is to take oral prescriptions from physicians over the phone. I had to take time off until my motor function returned. Luckily it did. A few months later I returned to work and my penmanship slowly returned to normal.There have been other symptoms that have come and gone over the past 15 years. They have mostly been sensory in nature. In a course of 15 years I have had merely a few such symptoms. I remember in particular one winter when I felt as if I were walking on cold, coarse sand at the beach. No matter how much I tried to warm my feet (and they were warm) the cold raw sensation remained. This might have been a great experience had the timing been right. I would have enjoyed feeling cold, wet sand between my toes in the summer. Another symptom I struggle with from time to time is fatigue. This is one of the few symptoms that most patients have in common. This fatigue can strike at any moment and may last as little as an hour or remain for days. It is similar to the flu like fatigue that comes without warning and disappears in similar fashion. It's as if there isn't enough oxygen in the air around me. At these moments, it feels as though God turned up the gravity pull.Fatigue is frustrating because it is invisible to everyone but you. Usually you look fine to those around you and only those closest to you can tell that something is wrong. But You Look So Well, is the title of a book written many years ago about MS. The title is ironically quite true and appropriate. It can be a lonely disease to live with at times since no one else can see it. Many of the symptoms are invisible to people around you. Numbness, fatigue, memory, and vision problems for example are only experienced by the individual and don't usually directly affect those around them. Unless you say something, others may never know. This can be beneficial at times, but frustrating when you wish others could understand what you're going through.Imagine your best friend's wedding day arrives and you come down with the flu and can't attend. You feel angry, disappointed, but ultimately so tired and worn out that all you can think about is lying in bed and sleeping for days. We can all relate to moments like these. With MS this kind of experience happens more often, except there is no reason, no flu, no vomiting, nothing tangible, just a profound fatigue. This brings on feelings of guilt in the person experiencing the fatigue and in some cases frustration from friends, family and co-workers, who can't relate.I have always prided myself on being dependable. Fortunately, knowing this fatigue can strike at any time, I've been able to adjust my work schedule to part time. By cutting back my hours, I have time to rest in between work days and also have more energy for responsibilities at home. It's a balancing act. It was important for me to know that by working fewer hours and shorter days, I could continue being dependable to my family and my coworkers.Guilt however still makes an appearance at times. As a result I push myself to make it to events, social and professional. At these moments, I feel as if my body is present, but there is a part of me that is completely dissociated from the experience. It's as if I am in a dream, floating above myself and observing everything and everyone from a distance. I must appear to others as dazed, aloof and detached. The two merge once again when I return home to the comfort of my bed and am finally able to rest. Most of the time I get a good night's sleep and wake up refreshed. However, when I keep pushing myself routinely, when I'm not listening to the cues my body is giving me, the fatigue worsens and lasts for longer periods of time. I have to admit; to this day I still cringe when setting up a scheduled date or engagement of any sort, particularly in the evenings. Although I have incorporated many healthy routines and elements into my life, fatigue at times can still be a factor. Once again the lesson is to enjoy the present moment. When I'm feeling energetic, I try to take advantage of it. I certainly enjoy spontaneity and appreciate it much more now than ever before.Rearranging my life became imperative. My expectations had to change. More accurately, I began to realize that these expectations were only a reflection of what I thought was expected of me. I became aware that I was allowing outside forces to shape my life. But to understand this I had to first acknowledge that I had an underlying need for approval. Can you imagine? I needed to receive approval for being me. I began understanding that wanting to please, and needing to please come from completely different states of mind. Wanting comes from a strong sense of Self. This empowered self, our true nature knows who we really are. Needing to please comes from a state of emptiness. In this state, our identity is created by what we do, and how we see ourselves, through someone else's perception of us. It is a self, created by objects, people, and situations outside of us. It's that little girl or boy inside of us who is constantly looking for approval.For many years I existed for what I was to other people, not for who I am. I can now be of service to others, through my own choice and sincere desires. It might sound like this type of attitude would only create more self-centered people. In reality I am a kinder and more considerate person now than ever before. Because when I give, I give from the heart and not just from a subjective sense of obligation. I have learned that by nurturing myself, I have more compassion for others without resentment. MS forced me to see that I couldn't physically give more of myself than my disease would allow. I had to learn to schedule time to relax and pace myself. I also had to learn to feel comfortable asking for and accepting help. This was and continues to be challenging to this day. Listening to my body became essential for living in a healthy manner. For the first time I saw and appreciated the sacredness of this vehicle we call our body. In order to do this I began asking; What felt good for me? What was comfortable? What was more important? What was it that I truly wanted to focus my attention on? The questions didn't stop. I also had to ask myself who in my life was healthy for me and who wasn't? I tried to surround myself with positive loving people and avoided negativity as much as possible.In the process of figuring these things out, I began organizing my life. The junk drawers that we all have had to be cleaned out, both metaphorically and literally. I had to become more efficient in my practical life. Only the essentials remained, only what was ultimately fulfilling for me. Simplifying your life doesn't necessarily mean leaving everything and moving to the woods, it means looking at what you've been, be still, and understanding who you are. You may think this is a selfish attitude to have, as did I for a long time. It is not.My life, my truth, this is who I am. These are my best qualities, coming from a clear place of power, wisdom and love. When you come from a healthy self-nurturing place, the qualities you have to offer embody power, wisdom, love and compassion. Other people sense it. Your very essence exudes compassion. I began noticing that more and more people were drawn to me and enjoyed being in my presence. The feeling was mutual, I was now in a place that I could sense and appreciate the divinity in others. It was easier to see beneath the exterior ego shell that we all carry around.Most of us define ourselves by circumstances and relationships in our lives. We exist because of how others need us and how we need them. Unless we stop existing as a quality in someone else's life, we merely exist for what we have to offer to another, in our own life. There are many people in these codependent relationships. Often the relationship dissolves when the needs of the individuals change. Our qualities can easily be replaced by another individual, but no one can replace our unique self.I recommend asking your self; What am I? Make a list of needs that you think you meet in others and another list of how others meet your needs. Then ask yourself; Who am I? How long is your list? For example, do you like red because it's your significant other's favorite color? Or does it truly please you? Pay very close attention to your answer. Does it please you because it pleases him/her? If this is true then it is not an answer to your who are you question, but rather it answers what you offer to another question instead. Don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it's unhealthy to fulfill your needs or someone else's, but if all or most of your answers to these questions, refer to your relationships with others, then it's worth taking a closer look. Does this confuse you? It confused me for a while and it is still something that I occasionally catch myself doing. Remember, be kind to yourself. This is a process. The most we can expect of ourselves is that we try to improve as time goes on. Eventually we realize that there is a huge difference between existing through our service for others and being of service to others. By being of service we are content regardless of our actions. We already are valuable, authentic and worthy of love. Now by finding that center, we begin to feel the presence of our essence. We're not creating it. We are merely regaining our awareness of our inner authentic spiritual Self.. The veil parts and we begin to see the divinity within us and how truly unique we all are. Once you are able to know this in your heart, then you will be sharing with others your authentic, loving self. I have presented you with a few comparisons so far in the way we think about ourselves and others. It may seem at first to be a mere play on words, but it's not. I believe that we agonize sometimes over things that have been misinterpreted by our brains. We only use a small fraction of the brain's enormous capacity. When we express ourselves mainly verbally or linguistically, there is a limitation that we must consider.Good communication and understanding can be compromised because of verbal limitations. This communication includes the dialogue we have with ourselves. I don't mean that the more educated you are the easier it becomes. Basically, I mean that language itself is limited. An optimistic person for example has a positive inner dialogue with himself. We can only express so much through the written or spoken word and that includes speaking to ourselves. For example, have you ever had moments when you feel frustrated or angry and aren't sure why exactly? You can't quite put your finger on it. But one day you are speaking with a friend and he articulates what you're describing in his own words. He truly captures what you're experiencing. Suddenly you feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders, "Oh my God, that's it, that's exactly it!" You respond with elated relief. Although you had a sense that something was bothering you, you were entangled in an emotional web, too close to the trees to see the forest. Having it articulated clearly helps you to identify it, understand it, and plan to resolve it. This is partly the role a good therapist plays in helping someone to heal. In my own healing I have had moments like these -- aha moments. Another veil parts and my world seems even brighter and lighter than before.Take for example the often used term, self-centered. According to Webster's dictionary it means the following: independent of outside force or influence; concerned solely with one's own desires, needs or interests. In my opinion this state of being is not desirable or joyful. In fact it sounds extremely isolating. The definition implies that outside forces are never an influence. I would imagine this would have to include loving, nurturing relationships. Secondly, the individual is concerned solely with themselves.Let's look at the words a little differently. By doing this maybe we will be able to lift that guilt we carry about understanding and nurturing ourselves. What if we switch the words like this, centered-self? I don't think it formally exists in any dictionary, but maybe it should. This is how I would define it: a divine human being who is centered within the universe and authentically comes from a place of power, wisdom and love. In order to be a centered-self, we must be aware of our divinity. And by doing so, knowing who we truly are--a part of the universe and not apart from it. With enough self awareness and willingness to continue to grow, by integrating intellect, intuition, and love, so that we may in turn give authentically to others. Does this sound selfish? Or does it sound like someone you would like to meet? You see, same words, different meanings. One is healthy and inclusive. The other is isolating and exclusive. Words are powerful tools used to communicate with other individuals but most importantly ourselves. I've learned that it begins with me, my mind, my soul, my body.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Finding Meaning
"Sometimes man may be required simply to accept fate, to bear his cross."
--Victor Frankl, MD
Dr. Frankl, was a psychiatrist who was captured by the Nazi's and spent years in Auschwitz. In addition to bearing our cross he reminds us that the cross or the suffering itself must be unavoidable. Martyrdom is not the goal but we must find meaning in unavoidable suffering. Dr. Frankl encourages us to live and to fight for happiness and joy. He tells us to search for answers to our problems, to try our hardest to minimize our suffering. Suffering according to Dr. Frankl is a part of life, one which can never be completely eliminated.His philosophy mirrors my own belief system. This perspective on life gives me hope that there is meaning in unavoidable suffering. Depression for example, is a state of mind, that if severe enough can lead someone to commit suicide. But only a few of those who are depressed actually commit suicide. What sets them apart from all the rest? You may believe that it is the intensity of the depression. It is not. Studies have been done that refute what would seem to be a logical conclusion.Depression is avoidable, especially in recent years with so many choices in medication and psychotherapy, as well as alternative medicine. Depression can be alleviated if not eliminated. This is not to say that sadness, as a reaction to an event needs to be eliminated or suppressed. Sadness and or situational depression are a natural part of the grieving process, but chronic depression is not.Research suggests that there may be a hereditary link to depression. This may be true, but I wonder how much more of an impact environmental factors have on increasing the chances that depression will actually develop. An individual may be genetically predisposed, but this does not guarantee that depression will develop in the course of someone's lifetime. Although we may be genetically predisposed to behaviors or diseases, the fact that we exhibit these behaviors is only part nature. Nurture also plays a large role in the type of person we become or a disease that we develop. By nurture I am referring to a larger umbrella that encompasses society as a whole and the physical environment we live in and ultimately our own responsibility for our actions. There are millions of Americans with depression. Some of them prominent people who have had the courage to bring depression into the light, people like Betty Ford, Barbara Bush, and Mike Wallace to name a few. Their courage has helped people realize that depression is not a weakness in character. It is not something to be ashamed of and deny. Depression can be treated with professional help and loving support from family and friends. Our basic understanding of mental health and especially depression needs to improve and become more compassionate. I have personally felt depressed at certain times in my life. Today I monitor my emotions and try to distinguish normal sadness that is a result of difficult circumstances, from sadness that seems to have no reason, or is disproportionate to the underlying cause. When depression sets in, happiness seems impossible to experience and imagine. Even food loses its taste. Nothing seems to captivate your attention. You feel hollow and empty. I don't want my child or my family to be exposed to this kind of experience. It is important that my child be exposed to a variety of emotions, but I don't want him to be surrounded by gloom. In my opinion, depression is not an emotional state, as much as it is a lack of emotion. For me it almost seems to be a defense mechanism. A sensory overload almost, with regards to emotions, especially anger and pain. I noticed what I was really doing was shutting myself down, becoming apathetic, in order to prevent feeling anymore pain and frustration. For me depression is a state of mind and becomes a way of being if left untreated. This suppression of emotion eventually leads to depression and depression as you will later see can express itself in many ways when not dealt with. Sadness on the other hand is a feeling, a reaction to a circumstance. It has a reason and resolves itself in time.There is a process of healing that one experiences, as is explained in some of the models of grief. For example, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There are other models, but this is one of the most common that therapists refer to. Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was a frightening experience for me. However, what is crucial is how I react in the face of tragedy. It is imperative that I grieve as efficiently as possible. Not as quickly as possible but efficiently as possible, because there is a fine line between sadness and depression and I don't want to waste my life in a state of mind that brings no healing and no happiness. Depression, for me was the most difficult of all of these steps to get through.There are tools I have found over the years that have helped me avoid depression or at least lesson its severity. Exercise, eating healthy and sleeping well are habits I try to incorporate into my life. Surrounding myself with good friends and a positive atmosphere is also something I try hard to maintain. Good communication is key since issues that are suppressed will fester and eventually express themselves physically or emotionally in a negative way. Spirituality is also an integral part of who I am and gives me meaning and purpose in my life. I believe that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. That we are all connected spiritually on some level. I believe in a higher power--a universal loving presence. This feeling of connection to divinity sustains and encourages me.I have been able to find meaning in my suffering. I see it as my cross that I have to bear, but only when it is unavoidable. I have no interest in being a martyr. I am interested in being happy and bringing that happiness to others. My goal is to seek joy in my life, live as authentically as possible, embrace all of my emotions, without allowing myself to sink into what feels to me to be a needless and useless depression.When I have tried exercise and meditation and other holistic interventions that I feel are credible, and am still depressed, then I turn to psychotherapy and if needed, medication, to help me get over the depression. Life is too short and too valuable to be living it behind a veil of gloom. With the help of an excellent therapist and the occasional use of antidepressants, I was able to see that joy is possible and very real. When one has been depressed for long periods of time, there's a tendency to forget what joy feels like, let alone that it is possible. Hope, faith, support and a sense of meaning and purpose, despite the hardships; perhaps this is the antidote to severe depression and may be what sets those who choose life, apart from those who have given up. These individuals were unable to see meaning in their life, and therefore lack a sense of purpose. At a certain point in our path to spiritual enlightenment, we realize that it is enough to be. But for many of us, these are difficult concepts to integrate into our daily lives. Although our spirit is our true nature, the ego is a part of our humanity. Having the ego self to contend with, finding meaning is a necessary part of a fulfilling life.
--Victor Frankl, MD
Dr. Frankl, was a psychiatrist who was captured by the Nazi's and spent years in Auschwitz. In addition to bearing our cross he reminds us that the cross or the suffering itself must be unavoidable. Martyrdom is not the goal but we must find meaning in unavoidable suffering. Dr. Frankl encourages us to live and to fight for happiness and joy. He tells us to search for answers to our problems, to try our hardest to minimize our suffering. Suffering according to Dr. Frankl is a part of life, one which can never be completely eliminated.His philosophy mirrors my own belief system. This perspective on life gives me hope that there is meaning in unavoidable suffering. Depression for example, is a state of mind, that if severe enough can lead someone to commit suicide. But only a few of those who are depressed actually commit suicide. What sets them apart from all the rest? You may believe that it is the intensity of the depression. It is not. Studies have been done that refute what would seem to be a logical conclusion.Depression is avoidable, especially in recent years with so many choices in medication and psychotherapy, as well as alternative medicine. Depression can be alleviated if not eliminated. This is not to say that sadness, as a reaction to an event needs to be eliminated or suppressed. Sadness and or situational depression are a natural part of the grieving process, but chronic depression is not.Research suggests that there may be a hereditary link to depression. This may be true, but I wonder how much more of an impact environmental factors have on increasing the chances that depression will actually develop. An individual may be genetically predisposed, but this does not guarantee that depression will develop in the course of someone's lifetime. Although we may be genetically predisposed to behaviors or diseases, the fact that we exhibit these behaviors is only part nature. Nurture also plays a large role in the type of person we become or a disease that we develop. By nurture I am referring to a larger umbrella that encompasses society as a whole and the physical environment we live in and ultimately our own responsibility for our actions. There are millions of Americans with depression. Some of them prominent people who have had the courage to bring depression into the light, people like Betty Ford, Barbara Bush, and Mike Wallace to name a few. Their courage has helped people realize that depression is not a weakness in character. It is not something to be ashamed of and deny. Depression can be treated with professional help and loving support from family and friends. Our basic understanding of mental health and especially depression needs to improve and become more compassionate. I have personally felt depressed at certain times in my life. Today I monitor my emotions and try to distinguish normal sadness that is a result of difficult circumstances, from sadness that seems to have no reason, or is disproportionate to the underlying cause. When depression sets in, happiness seems impossible to experience and imagine. Even food loses its taste. Nothing seems to captivate your attention. You feel hollow and empty. I don't want my child or my family to be exposed to this kind of experience. It is important that my child be exposed to a variety of emotions, but I don't want him to be surrounded by gloom. In my opinion, depression is not an emotional state, as much as it is a lack of emotion. For me it almost seems to be a defense mechanism. A sensory overload almost, with regards to emotions, especially anger and pain. I noticed what I was really doing was shutting myself down, becoming apathetic, in order to prevent feeling anymore pain and frustration. For me depression is a state of mind and becomes a way of being if left untreated. This suppression of emotion eventually leads to depression and depression as you will later see can express itself in many ways when not dealt with. Sadness on the other hand is a feeling, a reaction to a circumstance. It has a reason and resolves itself in time.There is a process of healing that one experiences, as is explained in some of the models of grief. For example, there is denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. There are other models, but this is one of the most common that therapists refer to. Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis was a frightening experience for me. However, what is crucial is how I react in the face of tragedy. It is imperative that I grieve as efficiently as possible. Not as quickly as possible but efficiently as possible, because there is a fine line between sadness and depression and I don't want to waste my life in a state of mind that brings no healing and no happiness. Depression, for me was the most difficult of all of these steps to get through.There are tools I have found over the years that have helped me avoid depression or at least lesson its severity. Exercise, eating healthy and sleeping well are habits I try to incorporate into my life. Surrounding myself with good friends and a positive atmosphere is also something I try hard to maintain. Good communication is key since issues that are suppressed will fester and eventually express themselves physically or emotionally in a negative way. Spirituality is also an integral part of who I am and gives me meaning and purpose in my life. I believe that we are part of something much larger than ourselves. That we are all connected spiritually on some level. I believe in a higher power--a universal loving presence. This feeling of connection to divinity sustains and encourages me.I have been able to find meaning in my suffering. I see it as my cross that I have to bear, but only when it is unavoidable. I have no interest in being a martyr. I am interested in being happy and bringing that happiness to others. My goal is to seek joy in my life, live as authentically as possible, embrace all of my emotions, without allowing myself to sink into what feels to me to be a needless and useless depression.When I have tried exercise and meditation and other holistic interventions that I feel are credible, and am still depressed, then I turn to psychotherapy and if needed, medication, to help me get over the depression. Life is too short and too valuable to be living it behind a veil of gloom. With the help of an excellent therapist and the occasional use of antidepressants, I was able to see that joy is possible and very real. When one has been depressed for long periods of time, there's a tendency to forget what joy feels like, let alone that it is possible. Hope, faith, support and a sense of meaning and purpose, despite the hardships; perhaps this is the antidote to severe depression and may be what sets those who choose life, apart from those who have given up. These individuals were unable to see meaning in their life, and therefore lack a sense of purpose. At a certain point in our path to spiritual enlightenment, we realize that it is enough to be. But for many of us, these are difficult concepts to integrate into our daily lives. Although our spirit is our true nature, the ego is a part of our humanity. Having the ego self to contend with, finding meaning is a necessary part of a fulfilling life.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Surrendering
"We are spiritual beings having a human experience, rather than human beings seeking a spiritual experience."
--Teilhard de Chardin
I believe our purpose in this world, above all else, is to heal ourselves and to love one another. At times we'll be in a position to offer support to others and at times to receive it. In all aspects of life, balance is the key. By allowing people to help me, I gave myself an opportunity to heal, as well as affording them the opportunity to give. Relationships grow deeper with this loving exchange. Letting go of pride, and allowing love to enter our hearts, we learn to receive graciously. When you experience receiving openly, your generosity will also come from a place of love versus a place of egoic satisfaction. It becomes a loving exchange instead of an obligation to one another, with no room for resentment.There is a level of discomfort that many experience when asking for help. Will I look weak? Am I weak? Will others see me as dependent? These questions came up for me often. It's unfortunate that in our culture we feel guilty and inadequate when asking for or accepting assistance. Our society in this country especially, values independence more so than other attributes.Beginning in 1776 when we declared independence from England and have proudly valued this quality in our lives ever since. More recently, the feminist movement of the sixties and seventies made it possible for women to take pride in proving to the world that we could be self-sufficient and strong. Our self-esteem as women has grown and deepened because of it. Women of today are indebted to those brave and committed women that have given us independence and freedom.Although there are areas where women are still not seen as equals by some, we have come a long way. In fact, I venture to say that we have taken on more burden and responsibilities than is healthy or necessary. Before the sexual revolution, women as we know, were housewives. They didn't have a choice to do anything else. Now many women hold competitive full time jobs, are married, have several children, etc. etc. It seems the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. It is now time for the pendulum to come to center. In our struggle to prove that we are are capable of being financially independent, we have overburdened ourselves with exhausting reponsibilities. Let us remember, balance is the key. Men are not exempt from this prideful independence. They have had many more years of practice, letting pride get in the way of relationships and growth, intimate or otherwise. It's now time for us to come together and heal these relationships together.The Buddhist's philosophy is a gentle one, but even Buddhism offers us a parable that speaks of how difficult change can be. When a tree is growing crooked, one must bend it in the extreme opposite direction for a time before it is allowed to come back to center. Our tree has felt both extremes and is now able to grow straight. So the lessons that we learn as individuals or as a society are often at extremes, but the goal should always be to bring ourselves back to center. As women we had to prove our capabilities so that we could establish our own power and respect. Now that we have succefully proven that we can do it all--- we can choose not to. Men and women have opened the door to healthier possibilities for loving and caring relationships, by being there for one another, as equals. It is a more pleasureable experience to be able to share our lives with one anther than it is to isolate ourselves. We are independent and choose to share in love and responsibility from a place of wisdom and power, not dependency. Many of us fear dependency. When I feared that I may become dependent due to MS, I was very fortunate to have a therapist who taught me the difference between dependency and help. We all need help from time to time. In my professional studies however, I have met a few colleagues who believe that all patients benefit in some way from their illness. It is their belief that some patients with chronic diseases choose to become dependent and go on to develop co-dependent relationships. In my view, this co-dependency has less to do with the disease than it does with the personality of the individual in question. My own therapist was a cognitive/behaviorist who helped me to identify unfounded and unrealistic fears that I had. By bringing these issues to my awareness, I was able to transcend the vice grip that fear had on me. However she also helped me to understand that all of us, regardless of our circumstances benefit from the support of other people. The relationships become interdependent, a healthy give and take.There will always be individuals who take advantage of any circumstance. In that case, benefiting from a situation isn't a result of having an illness, it is a pattern that exists for that particular individual for whatever reason. In my personal and professional experience, losing one's self-esteem and fear of losing one's independence is a more salient issue.Ultimately I surrendered to God my guilt and lack of compassion for myself. When I sincerely evaluated my situation and realized that receiving help from others would be beneficial and acceptable, I became kinder to myself. Since those difficult times, I have had many opportunities to help others in return. It's part of the ebb and flow of life.
--Teilhard de Chardin
I believe our purpose in this world, above all else, is to heal ourselves and to love one another. At times we'll be in a position to offer support to others and at times to receive it. In all aspects of life, balance is the key. By allowing people to help me, I gave myself an opportunity to heal, as well as affording them the opportunity to give. Relationships grow deeper with this loving exchange. Letting go of pride, and allowing love to enter our hearts, we learn to receive graciously. When you experience receiving openly, your generosity will also come from a place of love versus a place of egoic satisfaction. It becomes a loving exchange instead of an obligation to one another, with no room for resentment.There is a level of discomfort that many experience when asking for help. Will I look weak? Am I weak? Will others see me as dependent? These questions came up for me often. It's unfortunate that in our culture we feel guilty and inadequate when asking for or accepting assistance. Our society in this country especially, values independence more so than other attributes.Beginning in 1776 when we declared independence from England and have proudly valued this quality in our lives ever since. More recently, the feminist movement of the sixties and seventies made it possible for women to take pride in proving to the world that we could be self-sufficient and strong. Our self-esteem as women has grown and deepened because of it. Women of today are indebted to those brave and committed women that have given us independence and freedom.Although there are areas where women are still not seen as equals by some, we have come a long way. In fact, I venture to say that we have taken on more burden and responsibilities than is healthy or necessary. Before the sexual revolution, women as we know, were housewives. They didn't have a choice to do anything else. Now many women hold competitive full time jobs, are married, have several children, etc. etc. It seems the pendulum swung from one extreme to the other. It is now time for the pendulum to come to center. In our struggle to prove that we are are capable of being financially independent, we have overburdened ourselves with exhausting reponsibilities. Let us remember, balance is the key. Men are not exempt from this prideful independence. They have had many more years of practice, letting pride get in the way of relationships and growth, intimate or otherwise. It's now time for us to come together and heal these relationships together.The Buddhist's philosophy is a gentle one, but even Buddhism offers us a parable that speaks of how difficult change can be. When a tree is growing crooked, one must bend it in the extreme opposite direction for a time before it is allowed to come back to center. Our tree has felt both extremes and is now able to grow straight. So the lessons that we learn as individuals or as a society are often at extremes, but the goal should always be to bring ourselves back to center. As women we had to prove our capabilities so that we could establish our own power and respect. Now that we have succefully proven that we can do it all--- we can choose not to. Men and women have opened the door to healthier possibilities for loving and caring relationships, by being there for one another, as equals. It is a more pleasureable experience to be able to share our lives with one anther than it is to isolate ourselves. We are independent and choose to share in love and responsibility from a place of wisdom and power, not dependency. Many of us fear dependency. When I feared that I may become dependent due to MS, I was very fortunate to have a therapist who taught me the difference between dependency and help. We all need help from time to time. In my professional studies however, I have met a few colleagues who believe that all patients benefit in some way from their illness. It is their belief that some patients with chronic diseases choose to become dependent and go on to develop co-dependent relationships. In my view, this co-dependency has less to do with the disease than it does with the personality of the individual in question. My own therapist was a cognitive/behaviorist who helped me to identify unfounded and unrealistic fears that I had. By bringing these issues to my awareness, I was able to transcend the vice grip that fear had on me. However she also helped me to understand that all of us, regardless of our circumstances benefit from the support of other people. The relationships become interdependent, a healthy give and take.There will always be individuals who take advantage of any circumstance. In that case, benefiting from a situation isn't a result of having an illness, it is a pattern that exists for that particular individual for whatever reason. In my personal and professional experience, losing one's self-esteem and fear of losing one's independence is a more salient issue.Ultimately I surrendered to God my guilt and lack of compassion for myself. When I sincerely evaluated my situation and realized that receiving help from others would be beneficial and acceptable, I became kinder to myself. Since those difficult times, I have had many opportunities to help others in return. It's part of the ebb and flow of life.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Healing Comes From Within
"The physician is only nature's assistant"
--Galen
How ironic, as important as it is to allow others into our lives for support, it is as important to realize that ultimately true healing comes from within. In this pharmaceutical environment we find that there are many treatments for diseases. We are fortunate that technology has made eradicating some diseases possible. The other side of the coin however, is the fact that health care professionals get so caught up in curing or treating the disease that they often forget about quality of life. As a pharmacist I see this on a daily basis. Certainly the choices are not strictly in the practitioner's hands. The patient also needs to take charge of the healing process, but the truth is that many people will not question the authority of the practitioner and often trust them implicitly with their life.Yes, we are living longer these days, but are we necessarily living better? Is our quality of life also improving? In most cases the answer is yes. In many cases the answer is no. How do we as practitioners know if we are indeed improving the patient's life or just prolonging it? Is treating the disease to prolong their life, only handing them a life filled with side effects brought on by medication that is treating their disease? Iatrogenic drug effects are to blame for thousands of hospitalizations and even death. The pros and cons of all treatment should be discussed with the patient and ultimately the decision should be theirs. I have had to make these difficult decisions myself, having to decide to stop using a drug, after being on it for six months. It offered me a thirty percent chance of a better future while making me feel like I had the flu for 3 days out of every week. I couldn't accept sabotaging the present without any future guarantees. On the other hand I also know of MS patients who are doing much better and experience no side effects on the very same drug. It's an individual decision.Medical treatments are wonderful if they improve quality of life as well as longevity. It just didn't make sense to me to sacrifice today in order to protect tomorrow, none of us know what tomorrow brings. There was a time when I envied people who had their health. But the reality is that no one is guaranteed a long healthy future. I could walk out in the middle of the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. You would think this kind of thinking would increase my anxiety about the future? It doesn't, instead it reinforces the importance of not dwelling on the future for all we really ever have is now, this moment. This very fact affects all our decisions including medical ones. Dr. Alan Barach reminds his colleagues to "cure the patient as well as the disease." My advice to you is to understand that physicians are medical experts and the good ones are supportive, open-minded and help the patient make informative, individual decisions.In my search for health, it was essential for me to keep an open mind, without of course losing it all together. In other words healthy skepticism is a good thing, but I allowed myself room for new thought and possibility. Having a disease with few therapeutic options, lends itself to having an open mind.
--Galen
How ironic, as important as it is to allow others into our lives for support, it is as important to realize that ultimately true healing comes from within. In this pharmaceutical environment we find that there are many treatments for diseases. We are fortunate that technology has made eradicating some diseases possible. The other side of the coin however, is the fact that health care professionals get so caught up in curing or treating the disease that they often forget about quality of life. As a pharmacist I see this on a daily basis. Certainly the choices are not strictly in the practitioner's hands. The patient also needs to take charge of the healing process, but the truth is that many people will not question the authority of the practitioner and often trust them implicitly with their life.Yes, we are living longer these days, but are we necessarily living better? Is our quality of life also improving? In most cases the answer is yes. In many cases the answer is no. How do we as practitioners know if we are indeed improving the patient's life or just prolonging it? Is treating the disease to prolong their life, only handing them a life filled with side effects brought on by medication that is treating their disease? Iatrogenic drug effects are to blame for thousands of hospitalizations and even death. The pros and cons of all treatment should be discussed with the patient and ultimately the decision should be theirs. I have had to make these difficult decisions myself, having to decide to stop using a drug, after being on it for six months. It offered me a thirty percent chance of a better future while making me feel like I had the flu for 3 days out of every week. I couldn't accept sabotaging the present without any future guarantees. On the other hand I also know of MS patients who are doing much better and experience no side effects on the very same drug. It's an individual decision.Medical treatments are wonderful if they improve quality of life as well as longevity. It just didn't make sense to me to sacrifice today in order to protect tomorrow, none of us know what tomorrow brings. There was a time when I envied people who had their health. But the reality is that no one is guaranteed a long healthy future. I could walk out in the middle of the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus. You would think this kind of thinking would increase my anxiety about the future? It doesn't, instead it reinforces the importance of not dwelling on the future for all we really ever have is now, this moment. This very fact affects all our decisions including medical ones. Dr. Alan Barach reminds his colleagues to "cure the patient as well as the disease." My advice to you is to understand that physicians are medical experts and the good ones are supportive, open-minded and help the patient make informative, individual decisions.In my search for health, it was essential for me to keep an open mind, without of course losing it all together. In other words healthy skepticism is a good thing, but I allowed myself room for new thought and possibility. Having a disease with few therapeutic options, lends itself to having an open mind.
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